today's tasks.

send one email.
print and send the very same information in a package.

it's 2:55 pm and i can't seem to get started.

why?

WHY????

busted.

i totally just got busted jacking around online by everyday ike.

he did the sneak attack on me at my cube and was like "what are you doing?"

and i'm all "me? oh, this? oh, yeah, no. this is for a customer. ohmygosh is that my phone ringing? no? sooooooo. how are the kiiiiiids? (slowly closing my laptop) oh, yeah, i know, teenagers are super hard. (uncorking the secret gas tank i keep under my desk) hmmm? yeah, Christmas can be rough. (glug, glug) so, what was i doing? when? right now? i was talking to you. oh, that? on what? my computer? that must have been SPAM. i know, its OUT of control. can't we get the computer guy to check out why our SPAM filter isn't working properly? huh? what smell? (striking a match) no, i don't smell anything. something is burning? weird. oh my gosh! my computer is on fire?! how could this happen?!!! must be all that work i'm doing is burning the thing up. (nervous laugh) noooooo, so really...any plans for new years? have you lost weight?"

(slowly backing away.)

Awesome Office Quote.

from a friend.

"Have yall ever shamelessly scratched your crotch for something like 45 seconds under your desk not knowing that someone was standing over you?


Yeah. me neither."

this ever happen to you?

you ever walk into your apartment after a long and tiring day at work and realize your apartment smells really really bad, so you try to find the source and your horrified nose takes you not only to your trash can where you end up having to scrub the very bottom where your arm barely reaches because of whatever leaky funk that was in there for a week? maybe two? and after you're done there your nose is still highly offended but leads you to the sink where rancid dishwater and a stack full of crusty food lies waiting for you? baiting you to gag and run for the door everytime you peel back the milky film-covered water in a molding pot or pan?

that ever happen to you?


yeeah. me neither.

didn't you know?

i am better than you.



dude. of COURSE i'm better than you.

and do you know why????

because i "recycle". uh huh. its true.

i know. i practically started the entire "recycle" phenomenon. it'll be a while before it really starts to take off, but i'm a trend setter guys. i just am.

starting today instead of drinking from plastic water bottles on a daily basis and then throwing them away i am going to refill my glass with tap water.

just like they did in the olden days of Christopher Columbus. that guy loved his tap water.

P.S.

Dear Eeorye.

you suck.

you are working ONE weekend day this month. ONE.

i really really really really really really really really really really really don't like you.

like, at all.

so, suck it.

sometimes?

i annoy the ever-loving crap out of myself.

i just volunteered to work Sunday.

WTF?

who DOES that?




moron.

dinner.

the way to tit's heart...

is through her wienie.

homegirl loooooves her some wienie dogs. and i have to admit it, the way she gushes on and on about them makes her slightly more human-like. don't laugh. i said human-LIKE.

its almost heart-warming. oooook, ok...its almost heart-thawing? there. that's better.

but, come ooooon. who's kidding who? that dog is so cute it could win over the Satan AND Hillary Clinton if it had to.

wait a second...

dudes.

dudes.

dude.

dudes.

dude.




dude.

i am kinda close to a sale.

i'm just sayin'.

someone throw some prayers up for this one.

preesh.




dude.

russ-ted.

or busted. by Russ CM. you know...russ-ted.

he may or may not know about this blog, so he may or may not have found it yet and if so he may or may not be reading it now.

if so, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii russ.


sh*t.

double sh*t.

first commission, b*tches.

noooooooooooo. not for my job that i'm hired to do...

buuuuut, for a painting! yahoooo!

you know the couple that wanted the painting from the park? well, i didn't charge them for the painting and just today i got a big fat check of $100 smackers in the mail from them!

so nice!

i'm rich!

today's light topic at work:

racism.

babyface's baby.

it's a boy!

(they think)

i don't think i have ever seen babyface grin as big as he did today when he announced that its a boy. he was just so dang cute about it.

sidenote: we are talking about the baby and are cheering that it's a boy. and, without really thinking it through, i hold my two hands up with about 5 inches in between and go "how big is it now? about five inches?"

his eyes get real wide. "uh..."
me, realizing what i said... "THE BABY! i mean the baby! how big is the WHOLE thing?"

he took it as me talking about...well...you know.


we laughed forever over that one. atleast, until i told him that my sister's was 12-inches.


(.) (.)
____

my day.

topics that have been covered in depth today with Russ and Babyface at work:

abortion
religion
souls
vegetarians
God
aliens
initial attraction
politics
socialism
Hitler
good and evil
fables
Mars
brunettes vs. blondes vs. redheads
racism
"planets down the street"
cloning
battle for your soul
evolution
economy
trickle down theory
tax brackets
lava burning out
eventual extinction
partial-birth abortion
Satan
world flood
WE are God creating other planets
dinosaurs
the Bible
Buddism
monotheism
paganism
sonagrams

i'm just grazing the issues here. GRAZING.

vote rant.

this is greatness. from a friend.

"But I decided that the people asking YESTERDAY or LAST WEEK if I had voted yet were killing me & were acting ridiculous (especially in TX, where you have to be registered to vote weeks in advance). Same for people who shame other people about not being registered. Stuff happens. Should you get your stuff together & register to vote? Definitely. But should you freak out just because people are suddenly interested in this particular election? What about the last presidential election? Did they vote then? Why are they suddenly so concerned now that the world is watching? They should have been concerned 4 years ago. Don’t patronize me. Your sweater is lame, and you have an 80’s hairdo. I’ll judge you for being fat. How about that? Should you exercise more? Definitely. Should you pass on the burger & mix in a salad every now & then? For sure. So there you go."

Carbon footprint

Electric bill: $26.38
Gas bill: $5.33

i'm practically a fart.

More G than Ride

This past week the driver's side door of my car has suddenly decided not to open from the outside. Not with the remote unlock thingy nor with the plain ol' key. I peeked inside the door yesterday and there was this spring just sitting there. So, of course i took it out. Like that spring actually does anything, right? Pssscht. Everyone knows that car makers love throwing in "miscellaneous springs" just to throw you off. It's common knowledge.

Welp, I think I might have been wrong on this particular spring cause now the only way the door will open is from the inside.

I know what you're thinking: i'm screwed.

But you're wrong. believe it or not i still have some options: i can leave my car unlocked at all times (super safe) or the window down and reach in and unlock it that way (even safer). Or i can crawl across the entire passenger door to get there. the problem there is that my legs tend to get in the way and i get all tangled and sh*t and end up with my face pressed against the driver's side window and i can't feel my left arm.

I've found that the easiest way to get there is to unlock the backseat door with a second click of my door lock remote thing and then step up behind the driver's seat to grab the handle of the driver's side door releasing it and then crawling back out the backseat and go into the driver's side door after that.

i end up flashing a lot more people than normal, but i figure it's worth it.

me and my panties love my ghetto ride.

october bake-off.

i'm third from the left.

close-up.

i totally lost. that ghost town rocked.

tits & babies.

oil & water.


some things should never be in the same room together.

today one of the Triplets brought his twins to work for their first showing. it is so fun to see tits sit in the corner and glare at the babies with a huge grimace on her face like they are going to attack her with their sweet sleepiness and innocent hearts. like a vampire to light. she just moved awkwardly around the room for 15 minutes and only after the mother of the babies complimented her hair did she say the babies were cute.

that's how tits operates. gets a compliment, gives one. gets, gives. gets, gives. but her first. always.

dropping like flies...

New Girl just went home cause poor thing has horrible allergies.

Her poor little nose is all red and she can't stop sneezing. Legit? TOTALLY. In fact, one of the College Triplets* sent her a blank email with only this in it.

Now what has happened? i've heard Babyface, Eeorye and now Tits all say they don't feel good.

which may be true. totally may be true, i'm not the only one who can get sick. i just think its funny how after i described my ordeal to them almost all of them were like 'oooh, my throat hurts'.

sure it does.

*College Triplets: after much consideration i've decided that is the name for the three boys i work with who all went to college together and who are like brothers with their silly ways and awesome bullsh it.

eavesdropping.

Babyface is talking to his best friend, Pretty Boy, and their wives are both expecting babies. I guess Pretty Boy and his wife just did the 3-D sonogram to look at their new little girl.

Babyface "well, does she have a cute little face? Uh huh. Right. I know, I'd be relieved. I'm super afraid of our baby being a cyclopse, too."

aaaaaaaaahahhahahaha

PS if that creature looks tired its because he just lost to liquid vi codin. UH!

Man's Strep Throat Leads to Amputation

DAD WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ColdandFluNews/story?id=6108398&page=1


ho-ly...

technology is your friend. literally.

an email from a friend:


i just looked at my power point presentation (i'm about to make a major proposal at work that will boost my job a few levels and add 2 new managers under me). and i just made a pie chart, because hey everyone likes charts and everyone likes pie, so i'm putting one in.so, i'm looking at my powerpoint pie chart and I make eye contact with the paperclip. he gives me this look and then slyly looks at my presentation.and I physically nodded my head at him with a smirk like "yeah. i know. it looks gooooooood."man, it made me laugh out loud! now, i'm talking to the Microsoft help icon!!!! it was a natural conversation between man and computer.

What are you wearing?

Today i look like a blueberry.

Blue pants.
Blue sweater.
Blue attitude.
Blue cheese.

Blue...bell? done.

beat down.

i have to renew my license, so that means i have to take a 30-hour course. and since i waited so long now i have to do it in 5 days.

poor me.

poor poor pitiful me.

but really. this is not fun.

another birthday...

another time for us to hear from Self Righteous on how "she can't eat the cake, but she just wants to smell the sugar and is it good? i can smell it from here. i can't eat cake cause i'm doing Atkins diet. i've been doing Atkins for a year."

ok, LOOK, self righteous. if you have been DOING it for a year then we have heard ABOUT it for a f&cking year. every. damn. time you remotely come across a grain of sugar or a single carb WE have to hear about it.

so why do you do like everyone else and shut the hell up already?

we get it. you want to lose weight. got it. you are on a diet. check. you're chubby. it's noted. you're special. i. got. it. we ALL get it.

now please shut your trap and pass me my red velvet cupcake.

don't forget to add the extra packet of sugar on top paired with a real coke, please. bread basket.

thanks.

middle school.

my friend who teaches middle school just had an abstinence rally at her school and then they did a little bit of s e x education for the kids. apparently, this is the correct order of how you do it, in case you may have missed a step along the way. if middle schoolers can follow directions, so can we.

talking
holding hands
a kiss and hug
a passionate kiss
touching under clothes
taking off clothes
intercourse

also, in case you were wondering, yes, you are a sl ut.

never complain.

i whined to the boys i work with (imagine that) that i wanted a bright and shiney nametag for my cubicle like they had on their fancy offices with doors.

this is what i got.

it is by far my favorite thing in my cube!

open letter to Self Righteous.

dear S.R.,

hey you! how ARE you?

hey, hey, remember that time? remember? it was at lunch today? yeah, then. when you saw the gift i gave New Girl for her birthday? you know, the super fun blinky ice cubes? and remember how you didn't have one for your drink and in your self-righteous, bitter and defensive way of feeling stupid and left out of the gwoupy-woupy you did something just SOOOOO charming like you always do? you don't remember?

well, instead of laughing at them like everyone else did...hahaha, it was so funny what you did...you light-hearted little champ, you...do you remember? instead you called them "obnoxious" and shoved your nose in the air like you were better than us just so you felt better about yourself and your joyless existence?

remember that? hahaha, remember? and, OH YEAH, oh my gosh, i almost forgtot! how could i forget?

you have no soul.

xoxo,
me

4: 36pm - environmental meeting.

(wine on a patio.)

tits gift?

so, titsy tits is a product junky and yesterday we were talking about different hair products for 30 minutes (for it is never a short convo when tits is involved). i walked into the office this morning and there is a the nicest thing on my desk - one of the products we were discussing the day before - as a gift!

who'd have thought i'd have tits to thank for my shiney locks!

thank. you. tits!

purse contents.

all perfectly normal items.

goldilocks.

i dropped off a couple of balloons at the office last night at 8:45 for the girl that always gives balloons to everyone else for their birthday. i scared the bejeezus out of the cleaning guy.

anywho, my point is that there is a work birthday lunch in 15 minutes. and Lunch Strategy must be set into motion veeeery carefully. what you want to do is go to the bathroom five minutes before everyone leaves for lunch so you can arrive slightly later than everyone else...but not in the very last car...unless there are more than three people in that car. that way you are assured atleast a one-person cushion between Self-Righteous or Tits Magee.

should Lunch Strategy fail, there are two things that could happen:
too early and Self-Righteous or Tits might snuggle up next to you.
too late and the only seat left is between the two.

you have to play it juuuuust right, goldilocks.

george.

george decided to wear a sunflower on his tshirt the other night that he grew in his organic garden to demonstrate world peace and love.

pffffffffft. freaking hippie liberal jacka$$.

go smoke some dope, you dope-smoker cat.

what a jerk.

a$$.

in honor of eeorye being a huge hypocrite and even bigger a$$, i am leaving at 2:30 for the day.

remember when he gave me so much sh*t for wanting three weekends in a row off? two of which were for weddings of close friends? and remember how he said that when i became a sales person i forfeited any days off? and that i was basically chained to my desk? and remember how we got into a huge fight about it and he was baiting me to quit?

well, this is ATLEAST the third FULL week off he has taken THIS YEAR.

atleast.

ooooooooooo i am so fired up. jacka$$ motherf&cker.

jackpot.

i was going for a jog yesterday and saw that somebody threw out mirrored closet doors just like mine. a couple of years ago i broke the mirror in one of my doors and so one day i knew i'd have to replace it or pay for it or whatever.

but, by the miracle of common dumpster thievery and good ol' fashioned ingenuity led me to a brand new mirrored closet door.

that slum lord ain't got nothin' on this girl.

hard. core.

i had a cavity filled last week and my dr. didn't even use novicaine.

what's UP?!!!!!

HUH? you wanna fight THIS?????




i'm one bada$$ mother f&cker.

(head flinch)

alone.

so, i'm completely solo in the office today.

tits went to "the dentist".
russ is meeting with a "customer".
about an hour ago, babyface spat out a mess of cuss words, threw his hands in the air and said "i quit".
and eeorye never came in today.

soooo.

that's awesome.

linda and rick.

so this is what that painting ended up being. not that much different but i feel better about it. linda came and picked it up today - i didn't charge anything for it, because i'm an idiot, but she was so excited about it and has told me on more than one occasion that rick has told everyone about the painting, so that really made me smile.

real beer at work.

4:53 pm: three grey linen walls and a cold Corona in my belly.

life is good.

a quote from lunch:

"they love to chop off rhinoceros horns and grind them into powder for their small yangs."


you can't make this stuff up.

self-realization

some may call is a sefzation.

and, apparently i'm shallow.

i just snubbed a perfectly good wool navy pencil skirt that i would wear a ton in the winter because it was at a "thrift store" when i would probably pay twice the amount ($7.99) for the same skirt if it were in a "vintage store".

total snob.

also, i may have B.O. today.

you know what i love?

the fact that email is free and i don't have to pay monthly like i do with my cell phone or per email message like i do with my text messages.

that's all. i love that.

the end.

work wine.

3:13pm bottle of wine with russ and b.face.
4: 42pm second bottle. (hopefully)

park painting.

so, when i get a chance and the weather is as gorgeous as it is i like to go to the park and practice painting. yesterday i left work a bit early and had two hours of the most beautiful daylight left. there was a couple to my left enjoying a picnic who came over after an hour to see what i was painting.

anyway, this couple had just gotten engaged earlier in the evening on the cute little picnic blanket, and they want to buy my painting because it depicts where they got engaged!

my first painting commission! i'm so excited!

i really won't charge them, of course, it's just fun that they offered and that they aren't my family or friends, you know?

(but, to be honest, i could have been painting my big toe and they still would have wanted it because i was there when they got engaged.) also, the first painting is from Sunday afternoon and then last night i added a couple of things. anyway, i am trying to see if by adding things i am actually improving or am just making it cluttered.

the end.

september bake-off.

this month it was chocolate cake.

i totally won.

(i'm no. 2. tee hee!)

fingers crossed!

i might get a sale!

the note.

i was returning from a weekend trip and had the most incredible experience.

while boarding the plane, i had a quick conversation with some fellow passengers. nothing too outstanding, just pleasantries between strangers.

since i was a rockstar this weekend, as soon as i sat down in my window seat, i immediatelyfell asleep. i mean, i was so tired i don't even remember take off. originally, i had big plans on my flight home to start reading a book, but exhaustion won that battle and i fell asleep with the book sitting on my lap. when i woke up, i found this note sandwiched between my hand and my book.

i was so confused and sleepy when i woke up, i just looked around for a couple of minutes in complete bewilderment. finally, i looked to my neighbor on my left, two seats over and finally asked what in the world the note was all about.

he explained that while i was asleep, this tall man in a pin-striped button down sauntered to my seat, leaned over him and the empty seat next to me and deftly slid the note between my hand and book, all the while not disturbing my slumber. he said the man didn't say a word in explanation but that his quick movements were quite impressive.

twenty minutes later, a tall man in a pin-striped button down came walking down the aisle, looking directly at me.

the exchange:

me: um...michael?

him: yes.

me: um...i...um...
him: pretty good, huh?

then he walked away claiming he had only come all the way from first class to stretch his legs. it was still extremely awkward at that point and so after a pep talk from my seat neighbor, i ended up walking to seat 6A and chatting with Michael. we stood in the middle of a moving airplane thousands of miles above earth and had the most interesting conversation.

he is 6'4", hilarious, charming, tall, dark and handsome and pretty much made my entire life by slipping the note under my hand. the best part is that he was so proud of himself for the note...that we just laughed and laughed about great it was. and i had to admit, it was a killer move on his part.

the part that was slightly confusing was how he knew my name. apparently in our short exchange while loading the plane, he read my full name off of my boarding pass.

at that point, he recited my first AND last name. even as creepy as that was, eventually i gave him my email.

i haven't heard from him yet, and even if he never emails - he still managed to put the biggest smile on my face and give me the greatest story to tell...

um, ever.

guilt.

i might be the world's worst blogger because as soon as i post something directly negative i feel guilty right away.

just wanted to throw that out there.

you should see my journal. it's all black magic markered out from self-censorship.


loser.

blood boiling.

i'm trying reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally hard to be calm right now, when i am so dang frustrated with eeorye.

instead of having a pro-active plan and actually brainstorming with everyone else on how we can generate more business and actually going out into the community and gathering customers that way - his grand idea is to schedule MORE people to work on the weekends. oh. ok. so, let's schedule MORE sitting around and waiting time for customers to magically find us and walk through the door. because we are just SO busy on the weekends that one person can't possibly handle the entire day by themselves.

yes. this is a great plan. this makes PERFECT sense.

and on top of that, he schedules me to work every saturday and not one sunday. ok, fine. working weekends is part of the job - i get it. whatever. but to schedule someone on really the one day of the weekend where anything remotely exciting happens - AKA college football games, going camping, a day trip or even just going out of town for a Saturday night - is just wrong.

but maybe it is just a simple mistake. maybe he just didn't realize he did that. it is totally possible.

but, dang.

grrrrr.

this is what i get for being generous.

So, i went to a charity function last night that got me on to the local news only because i happened to be standing by a local male celebrity. i sent the video link to two of my male co-workers, bragging, of course, on how famous i am.

these are the email responses i have gotten today:

Co-worker 1: So, what time did you make it home this morning?
Co-worker 2: Who were you escorting?
CW 1: What kind of commission do you get on a deal like that?
CW 2: Does he (local celebrity) snore?
CW 1: I doubt he got much sleep.
me: Ask your wife, I'm sure she knows.
CW 2: Seriously? You went there? Is this all you got?
me: Two words: paternity. test.
CW 2: Two words: pregnancy. test.

me:

pole vault sunday.

this?

led to this.

thousan dolla' bills y'all...

friday night was a random assortment of men with rhyming names at a fancy pizza joint in the middle of ghettoville USA complete with a guy named Compton. for real.

by the end of the night we were BFFs with Ron, La Shawn, Julian (who-lee-ahn) and Juan.

oh, and Luis. but, he didn't rhyme so he was left out most of the night.

lo siento, Luis.

the night began with my new buddy La Shawn (to my right) and JuliAHN and Ron (bartenders) telling me a mystery man (Juan) wanted to buy me a drink (chocolate martini).

the night ended with the band's drummer, his halitosis and gummy bear skin all up in our faces...some shot called a PB&J which was mainly PB...and about 15 mexican nationals who drank a bottle and 1/2 of tequila in the 30 minutes they were there and who i swear were throwing around $1000 dolla bills y'all...

well, apparently $1000 dolla bills y'all don't exist anymore, so it must have been all that peanutbutter that had me seeing things...that or i was transported back in time to 1969 when the last $1000 dolla bills y'all were in circulation.

at this point. anything is possible.

true.

mo' says...

don't forget to get a mammogram.

barack georgbama

here is george last night watching the democratic national convention. last time we spoke he said he would keep an open mind to both the candidates and all the issues.

i asked him about his wardrobe last night and he just swore up and down to me that he just "happened" to pick out a blue tshirt by "coincidence".

lying sonofabitch cat.

terry the maintenance man.

ran into terry today in the parking lot and he was telling me how he was just diagnosed with diabetes type 1. totally sucks. sidenote: that's the third person that i've known who has been randomly diagnosed with it in the past 3 weeks.

anyway, part of terry's charm is his response to the diagnosis.

"i feel bad for any weaker bastard who gets this disease. i mean, i'm a bad motherf&cker and it almost put me in the dirt."

i'm so stealing that phrase.

survival!

welp.

i survived lunch even though i sat right next to tits. her attitude was suprisingly pleasant even though her tits were extra titsy today.

"how titsy were they?"

well, i'm glad you asked. they were so titsy that me and two co-workers actually discussed how incredibly extra super inflated titsy titstastic titsified they were the entire car ride to lunch.

tits.


i know what you are thinking "riveting posts today, prisoner."

and i'm all "i know. thanks."

birthday lunch.

we have a work birthday lunch today, so depending on who i sit by my day could be a complete beating or a complete blast.

the silver lining is atleast i look cute today.

white linen pants, robin's egg blue camisole with white trim and a white linen cropped jacket with big linen covered buttons.

tsk...awwwwwwwww! i know.

email from my boss's boss's boss.

in response to a new baby announcement:

"Congrats Tim. You need to change your diet from this day forward because Sara now has too much testosterone in the house. #3 needs to have a Va-j-j!!!!!!!!!

My brother will be glad to hear Steven was born on his birthday."

for real.

Question 7L

So, my office is applying for a different health insurance company and we all had to fill out forms a couple of weeks ago. Today I got this email from our head office:

Dear Me,

Please complete medical question 7L and if yes, fill in the explanation box at the bottom of that page. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Thanks – and have a great weekend.
B

Question 7L, the only question I left blank:

7. Within the past 5 years, have you or any dependant had or been treated for any of the following:
L. Disorder of the blood, immune system or lymph nodes including AIDS or HIV?

em-barrassing.

9 a.m.

that's the time i woke up this morning.

at work? 9:30.

some may say that i have SLIGHTLY greasy hair.

true story.

my sister got married this past weekend and this may or may not have happened...

my friend's husband was standing at the bar next to my dad and had just ordered a fresh beer.

while talking to my dad, he had taken maybe two sips when my dad grabbed his beer from his lips and tossed it in the trash.

he then turned to my friend's husband and goes, "get a fresh one. it's on me."

what?

my dad friggin' rocks.

heavy breather.

i have a cold right now and so i can't breathe out of my nose without snot reverb going on and since i can't find my inhaler *snort*pushupglasses*snort* i am wheezing like a fat man chasing the ice cream truck while holding his man boobs.

tee hee.

man boobs.

the debate.

which one is right?

gum.

sometimes a fun game to play at work is how many pieces of gum can you chew before you get sick?

the answer: 18

what are you wearing?

sometimes it's fun to check in with your friends on the work day apparel.

today i am wearing my white $2 dolla garage sale dress, big turquoise ring and light brown patent shoes. and i know, the description is not reflected in the drawing, but i was trying to demonstrate my dress for a rehersal dinner, so that's what you get.

UPDATE: I didn't wear either style. Apparently I have gained weight and chubby thighs don't look good in mini dresses.

busted.

just got busted by eeorye for shopping on ebay.

meh.

like i care.

classy.

so, i am throwing away my coffee cup in the general work trash can when i notice a naked lady staring back up at me from the bottom of the trash. someone had ripped a page out of a magazine and didn't hide the evidence well.

pervert.

a message to those with six legs.

tell your friends, b*tch.

real beer.

3:37 p.m. michelob ultra with russ.
delicious.

UPDATE: 5:13 p.m. second beer. equally delicious.

serpy.

this is my serpent friend, Serpy. post-makeover.

i bought serpy two weeks ago on a major impulse buy on a rockstar weekend with my friend, Ooey.

in the store, serpy was beautiful. he was silver with diamond sparklies all down his back, his eyes shown the most brilliant green i have ever seen. i was enchanted. if he would have given me an apple, i probably would have eaten it, too. up top, Eve. i feel you, girl.

well, as soon as i walked out of the store i turned to my friend and declared that it was the ugliest bracelet i had ever seen. a piece of jewelry only paula abdul could love.

i had to paint him gold.

so, last night about midnight i busted out my gold foil paint (naturally) and started painting my good buddy serpy.

so, i am covered to my elbows (literally) in gold foil paint and turpentine. i'm all happy that serpy is getting a makeover and i'm all..."hey serps! you look bad a$$ all gold n' sh*t." when i realize what the label said on the gold foil paint can.

"may cause cancer in the state of california."

phew.

i'm no where near cali. west coast suckas.

what the...?

Horoscope - August 7, 2008

Your mind may wander to a fantasyland full of castles and wizards and magic dragons today. You might find that you are putting yourself in the robes of royalty surrounding yourself with riches and slaying dragons. Observe the fanciful scenario you have created for yourself and see how the symbols and characters connect with your real life. Your imagination is trying to tell you something.

babyface.

ok, babyface's g.ma-in-law passed away earlier this week, like last Sunday, k?

and while that is very sad and i am very sorry for their loss...it is now THURSDAY and still no sign of babyface.


everyday ike (our boss) was here on monday and left on business and is now back in the office.

everyday ike: babyface is still gone?

(silence)

me & russ: uh, he, uh, i think, uh, that's he's uh, supposed to be back today? (high pitched voices)

everyday ike: sh*t. what is it? one of those indian burial things or something? are they like, 'hey, what are we going to do today? oh, talk about grandma. AGAIN. or today we are going to have grandma's favorite breakfast and still talk some more about grandma, tomorrow we will have her second favorite breakfast and then talk some more. sh*t. i've never heard of such a long funeral.'

it's like he read my mind.

blazy.

i was totally blog lazy yesterday - you know, blazy? - (that was for you Hambone).

speaking of Ham.

check this out.

"Bipolar Oprah (Bipoprah) just cornered me in my office and talked for the last 15 minutes about herself. She’s incorrigible. Also, she’s been on fire today. I brought some pictures up to the office, and she said my husband looks like a deer in headlights and that I looked like I was older than my sister. Then she asked in front of our boss if I had a hole in my shirt (it is the whole that the string comes through in a wrap shirt). But at least our boss is seeing the crazy."

i love this for several reasons but my favorite part is that Ham used the word "incorrigible".

'ello Mary Opp'ins. Fancy a tupp'in for thu bu'rds? No 'u say? Its incorrigible? 'ell then, fish n' chips and la-ti-da, 'hen. Queens and 'uch. Ride on the tube. Bad teeth.

and you thought i was going to make fun of Bipoprah.



sucker.

just kiiiiiiiidding. i love you Ham. maybe Bipoprah's inner monologue was turned off yesterday. was she saying things like "don't forget to wipe. front to back, front to back" or maybe "hi mr. apple, i am going to eat you now."?

that's a sure sign.

cross-eyed bunny.

CEB for short.

she is not naturally cross-eyed, so don't let the name fool you. however, her eyes tend to travel inward when she is struck with something particularly funny. which is almost everything. and apparently, being cross-eyed triggers a stomping mechanism with her feet. laughing with CEB is in stereo because of said stomping and smoker's laugh. i will say that she is one of the sweetest people i work with. this particular 60-year old was once a scouted to be a playboy bunny, hence the "bunny" part of her name. homegirl likes her fun. *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*

i have learned a lot from working with CEB over the years, things i don't think i could have figured out on my own. for example, i didn't know bras were optional at work, did you?

and, today i learned two more life lessons. CEB was my "water watcher" replacement while i went to lunch today. and while it was sweet of her to take my place momentarily, the B.O. she left in her wake was devastating to my poor tortured gag reflex and the lunch i just inhaled.

lessons for the day:

• deodorant's a b*tch.
• oust is your friend.

part of the perks.

today my sole purpose at work is to run the hot water long enough for the not-brown water to replace the brown water.

since my office is now the bathroom floor, i get to plug my computer into the only socket behind the toilet, across the seat and through the toilet paper holder.

tsk. jealooooooous.

holey moley.

right.

so, should i be concerned that my neighbor's car has bullet holes on the side?

moo goo gai pan.

so...

i ordered chinese food this weekend. delivered.

this is what they brought.





it was delicious.

pure genius.

an email from a friend.

the last line made me laugh out loud.

"Bipolar Oprah is on fire today, walking into my office (I'm trying to squeeze in studying at work) and saying 'I didn't know they let you study here.' And then launching into her life story and how she couldn't get out of bed today b/c she's depressed and is going to be depressed for the next month until she can have back surgery. I want to strangle her with my bare hands."

i love how Bipolar Oprah knows she's going to be depressed for a solid month.

oh yeah, she works with a woman dubbed Bipolar Oprah.

poison!

i have had a constant sweet taste in my mouth for a couple of weeks now and last night i asked my doctor friend what it could be. he said either:

a) i'm lucky, cause it didn't sound so bad to him.

b) i have diabetes, but highly doubtful.

c) someone is trying to poison me!

i'm watching you, tits magee.

(pointing to my eyes, then to hers, back to mine)

oh yes. i'm watching.

self loathing.

lunch.

diagrams.

have i ever told you i'm an artist?

well, i am.

damn good one, too.

sometimes i draw diagrams to help explain myself in different situations.

for example, here i am trying to tell my friend Ernie how to give herself 80s style wings to her hair. feathered, if you will (and you will).

but you have to be careful.

cause, danger lurks in every situation.

i just like helping people if i can.

that's just what we do.

it's just what good friends do.

cheese trivia.

i'd like to give my job major props for excellent work snacks provided to keep our little brains functioning. (fist pump - peace sign)

my favorite combo will sometimes replace lunch, such as today. the magic combo is...

organic pretzels sticks
diet dr. pepper (caffine free)
string cheese

today the usual cheese sticks have been replaced by a new brand.

and...drum roll...it has trivia questions on it!!! on the outside is the question, and then you UNWRAP it to find out the answer!

"what is the only city where all the major sports teams have the same colors?"

Pittsburgh! Black and gold!

"what substance found in most kitchens can melt pearls?"

Vinegar!

THANK

YOU

STRING

CHEESE!

a good sign.

phone call.

co-worker: welp, did ya quit?
me: nope. still here.
co-worker: allllrighty. i thought you quit yesterday! i thought for SURE that's what was going on.
me: uuuuh, nope. close. but, no.
co-worker: welp, maybe next time?
me: mmm. maybe.

comical.

ever know someone who over uses a word just to sound smart and different?

[ENTER] tits magee.

Lord have mercy i have no time to explain this woman. but, homegirl uses "comical" ALL. THE. TIME.

example: You know what's comical? or, I saw the most comical thing yesterday, i died laughing.

i just want to be like, "what? what is soooooooo comical, tits, that you can't use a normal word like everyone else? what made you get your perfectly manicured, top-heavy self out of your computer chair, walk to the supply cabinet where every pen and paper clip is in it's place, made you squat down to where the books are on the lowest shelf and grab the thesaurus (without chipping a nail, mind you) JUST so you could look up a word that means 'funny' so you sound smarter than you really are?

WHAT?"

i'm going to start responding with "OMG. like, i toooootally can't wait to harken what is soooo farcical! what a jocular tale!!! hahaha! you are one zany person, titsy tits, with all your risible narrations!!!"

ugh.

stupid mooncalf dullard.

cougs.

i work with a woman i call Cougs. although she might be of the right "cougar age", she doesn't exactly fit the pop culture description we are familiar with today. this woman is sweet and thoughtful and married. she does not have fake tits nor does she chase after 20-year old men.

she got her name because a day does not go by when she does not wear an animal print inspired piece of clothing. not one day.

i bet this guy would take one look in her closet and render her a god.

i think it is safe to say that idol worship is the sign of a true style icon.

rawr.

delayed hangover.

nuff said.

work beer.

work beer [wurk (bîr)] :

–noun

1. A non-fermented non-alcoholic beverage not-brewed from malt or flavored with hops that can and will be imbibed at a quick rate in front of an employer and yet you still don't look like a drunk. I mean, kind of, but not a complete drunk.
2. An illusion of an alcoholic beverage made to trick the mind into being hammered, but you're not. You're still at work. Yup, still there.
3. Any non-alcoholic carbonated drink that can be consumed quickly at work to simulate stress relief and imitate a buzz-induced state. But, not really about the buzz part, I made that up.
4. Perrier.

Example: I just bonged a work beer so I'm not so nervous for my presentation. Or, I'm so wasted off this work beer I could chug two more! Or, My boss is so annoying I could slam four work beers without even batting an eyelash. Or, Work beer?! I don't even know her!

[Origin: bef. 1000; ME bere, OE béor; c. OS, OHG bior, MLG, MD bér, D, G Bier (ON bjōrr, prob. < OE); of disputed and ambiguous orig.]

dry erase board.

i have a dry erase board that hangs in my cube. it is to the right of my 11 x 17 charts that are carefully color-coded and very official looking. very official looking.

on it are my "hot leads" that i am following up with. the dry erase board and it's 20 - 30 names looks very professional, organized and extremely busy.

i am a salesperson with a purpose.

i hope no one ever notices that i haven't added new names or erased the old ones in over two years.

huh. how about that.

sales.

so, i'm a salesperson.

and, i may be the worst salesperson, um, ever. and today is not helping. with the grey linen walls closing in on me and all...i kind of feel like i'm suffocating. which is cool if you like not breathing. but, i do. i like breathing. a lot.

must. get. out.

sooo, meanwhile, i'm shopping for new music on itunes.

what? did you expect me to make cold calls? maybe look for a new job?

ah HELL no. instead, i'm going to sit in misery and just complain about it.

greatness.

a conversation from last night between my bitter friend and the male bartender.

bitter friend: "i officially hate all guys. they just...they just...they just tell you what you want to hear."
male bartender: "what? are you new?"

-fade to black-

annoying things about today.

1) my face. i look like i'm 14-years old again going through puberty.

2) whilest (who says whilest? annoying) trying to be "green" and "environmentally conscious" i decided to walk to the convenience store for my nutricious lunch featured below.

when crossing the street i walked extra fast (i am a professional woman, afterall, and we all know you look more important when you walk fast in heels) anyhow, i took the trolley tracks too aggressively with my right foot and ended up knocking the heel-nub thing off of the right heel exposing the nail underneath in the shoes that i wear just about every day to work.

[ENTER] next annoying thing about today. literally.

3) my boss calls and says he is sending a customer who is "full of sh*t" over to me.

gee, thanks.

so then when meeting said customer i make a *click*clomp* *click*clomp* noise when i walk.

the best i could do was to walk behind him and try to walk normally with my left foot and then on my tippy-toe of my right foot. its a good thing i was behind him because i just ended up looking rather gimpish. and since you can only hear one *clomp* noise, you have to wonder if that man thought i was hopping on one foot behind him.

i was.

the non-annoying thing about today is that i just won spider solitaire.

take THAT annoying things.

my lunch.

i'm disgusting.

just 5 days and 3 hours later...

the poop is gone!

one nasty voicemail and one equally nasty email to my landlord is all it took, apparently. i don't know who picked it up, but i could not be happier.

in their honor, i have written a poem.

An Ode to the Cat Poop:

cat poop, cat poop, cat poop on my stairs,
i asked you to leave, but nobody cared...

what careless feline left you for me to discover?
we've gotten so close, like i was your mother.

i thought you'd grow old with me, and someday turn white,
oh, but cat poop! you are gone. and, to my delight!

-Anonymous

...

the second reason why i'm not a cat person...

so.

there are only three other people that live on my boring apartment floor: the Lesbian with the Barking Dog, the Cougar and one Cat Lover.

singular.

uno.

YOU.

Cat Lover.

in fact, you have two cats.

and we all know who you are because your creepy cats sit in your window sill facing the walkway pawing their clawless appendages at me as i walk by...managing to scare the living daylights out of me every. single. time.

so, Cat Lover on my floor, i don't know what the problem is here.

do you need to borrow my broom?

maybe it was an honest-to-goodness mistake and there is a hole in your trash bag? and you just flat out didn't notice the poop and litter cascading down our steps like niagra falls during a flood? or maybe there was a cat poop emergency and there was no time to pick it all up?

no?

maybe it is something else then? huh?

maybe something much grander than my narrow scope of cat hatred can see past. maybe i'm just too narrow minded that i can't see the bigger picture.

it wouldn't be the first time.

maybe there is a hole in your pocket? yeah? and, maybe. JUST maybe, you are smuggling cats for The Underground Railroad for Cats with Loose Colon's?

hmmmm?

i don't know.

but, what i DO know, is that i would very much like it if you would pick up the evidence.

the end.


for the first reason i am not a cat person, please see: http://sideconversation.blogspot.com/

*disclaimer: i know three very lovely cats. oliver (despite recent behavior, see link above), holly (despite an alleged evil streak and a female name) and george (despite his tshirt loving ways).

advice from a friend:

"in fact, i think you should stare your boss and co-workers directly in the face and slowly drag your index finger across your throat.

do it menacingly."






yikes.

An Open Letter to My Boring A$$ Apartment

dearest boring apartment,

last night i was so bored with you that i practiced handstands until i collapsed.


then i tried the splits.

oh! hey splits! i didn't see you there...

hey! guess what?



you suck.

which brings me to my next point, dearest boring apartment,

what life goals will tonight's events bring inside your stale white textured walls...?

can't wait to see you!!!

kisses and whatnot,
Me

An Open Letter to my Job

Dear Job,

Suck it.

Love always,
Inmate #791092387 92387 7891

P.S. Go to Hell.

in response to "hey, what are you doing?"

"yeah.

i'm being totally bitchy at work with a gigantic headache thinking about leaving this f*cking place.

that's what i'm doing.

i've been doing all of that at my f*cking desk. Thanks."




awesome.

3 and 1/2 walls.

i am one of four sales people in a 30' x 30' square room. i, like the others, am surrounded by 3 1/2 grey linen-esque looking, padded walls. there is a 3 foot space directly behind me that is often darkened by my lurking manager's shadow. he wears sneakers so i can't hear him approaching. he just appears from time to time...

this is the only way out.


unless.


...

(cue dramatic music)

damn.

that was easy.



now what?