diagrams.

have i ever told you i'm an artist?

well, i am.

damn good one, too.

sometimes i draw diagrams to help explain myself in different situations.

for example, here i am trying to tell my friend Ernie how to give herself 80s style wings to her hair. feathered, if you will (and you will).

but you have to be careful.

cause, danger lurks in every situation.

i just like helping people if i can.

that's just what we do.

it's just what good friends do.

cheese trivia.

i'd like to give my job major props for excellent work snacks provided to keep our little brains functioning. (fist pump - peace sign)

my favorite combo will sometimes replace lunch, such as today. the magic combo is...

organic pretzels sticks
diet dr. pepper (caffine free)
string cheese

today the usual cheese sticks have been replaced by a new brand.

and...drum roll...it has trivia questions on it!!! on the outside is the question, and then you UNWRAP it to find out the answer!

"what is the only city where all the major sports teams have the same colors?"

Pittsburgh! Black and gold!

"what substance found in most kitchens can melt pearls?"

Vinegar!

THANK

YOU

STRING

CHEESE!

a good sign.

phone call.

co-worker: welp, did ya quit?
me: nope. still here.
co-worker: allllrighty. i thought you quit yesterday! i thought for SURE that's what was going on.
me: uuuuh, nope. close. but, no.
co-worker: welp, maybe next time?
me: mmm. maybe.

comical.

ever know someone who over uses a word just to sound smart and different?

[ENTER] tits magee.

Lord have mercy i have no time to explain this woman. but, homegirl uses "comical" ALL. THE. TIME.

example: You know what's comical? or, I saw the most comical thing yesterday, i died laughing.

i just want to be like, "what? what is soooooooo comical, tits, that you can't use a normal word like everyone else? what made you get your perfectly manicured, top-heavy self out of your computer chair, walk to the supply cabinet where every pen and paper clip is in it's place, made you squat down to where the books are on the lowest shelf and grab the thesaurus (without chipping a nail, mind you) JUST so you could look up a word that means 'funny' so you sound smarter than you really are?

WHAT?"

i'm going to start responding with "OMG. like, i toooootally can't wait to harken what is soooo farcical! what a jocular tale!!! hahaha! you are one zany person, titsy tits, with all your risible narrations!!!"

ugh.

stupid mooncalf dullard.

cougs.

i work with a woman i call Cougs. although she might be of the right "cougar age", she doesn't exactly fit the pop culture description we are familiar with today. this woman is sweet and thoughtful and married. she does not have fake tits nor does she chase after 20-year old men.

she got her name because a day does not go by when she does not wear an animal print inspired piece of clothing. not one day.

i bet this guy would take one look in her closet and render her a god.

i think it is safe to say that idol worship is the sign of a true style icon.

rawr.

delayed hangover.

nuff said.

work beer.

work beer [wurk (bîr)] :

–noun

1. A non-fermented non-alcoholic beverage not-brewed from malt or flavored with hops that can and will be imbibed at a quick rate in front of an employer and yet you still don't look like a drunk. I mean, kind of, but not a complete drunk.
2. An illusion of an alcoholic beverage made to trick the mind into being hammered, but you're not. You're still at work. Yup, still there.
3. Any non-alcoholic carbonated drink that can be consumed quickly at work to simulate stress relief and imitate a buzz-induced state. But, not really about the buzz part, I made that up.
4. Perrier.

Example: I just bonged a work beer so I'm not so nervous for my presentation. Or, I'm so wasted off this work beer I could chug two more! Or, My boss is so annoying I could slam four work beers without even batting an eyelash. Or, Work beer?! I don't even know her!

[Origin: bef. 1000; ME bere, OE béor; c. OS, OHG bior, MLG, MD bér, D, G Bier (ON bjōrr, prob. < OE); of disputed and ambiguous orig.]

dry erase board.

i have a dry erase board that hangs in my cube. it is to the right of my 11 x 17 charts that are carefully color-coded and very official looking. very official looking.

on it are my "hot leads" that i am following up with. the dry erase board and it's 20 - 30 names looks very professional, organized and extremely busy.

i am a salesperson with a purpose.

i hope no one ever notices that i haven't added new names or erased the old ones in over two years.

huh. how about that.

sales.

so, i'm a salesperson.

and, i may be the worst salesperson, um, ever. and today is not helping. with the grey linen walls closing in on me and all...i kind of feel like i'm suffocating. which is cool if you like not breathing. but, i do. i like breathing. a lot.

must. get. out.

sooo, meanwhile, i'm shopping for new music on itunes.

what? did you expect me to make cold calls? maybe look for a new job?

ah HELL no. instead, i'm going to sit in misery and just complain about it.

greatness.

a conversation from last night between my bitter friend and the male bartender.

bitter friend: "i officially hate all guys. they just...they just...they just tell you what you want to hear."
male bartender: "what? are you new?"

-fade to black-

annoying things about today.

1) my face. i look like i'm 14-years old again going through puberty.

2) whilest (who says whilest? annoying) trying to be "green" and "environmentally conscious" i decided to walk to the convenience store for my nutricious lunch featured below.

when crossing the street i walked extra fast (i am a professional woman, afterall, and we all know you look more important when you walk fast in heels) anyhow, i took the trolley tracks too aggressively with my right foot and ended up knocking the heel-nub thing off of the right heel exposing the nail underneath in the shoes that i wear just about every day to work.

[ENTER] next annoying thing about today. literally.

3) my boss calls and says he is sending a customer who is "full of sh*t" over to me.

gee, thanks.

so then when meeting said customer i make a *click*clomp* *click*clomp* noise when i walk.

the best i could do was to walk behind him and try to walk normally with my left foot and then on my tippy-toe of my right foot. its a good thing i was behind him because i just ended up looking rather gimpish. and since you can only hear one *clomp* noise, you have to wonder if that man thought i was hopping on one foot behind him.

i was.

the non-annoying thing about today is that i just won spider solitaire.

take THAT annoying things.

my lunch.

i'm disgusting.

just 5 days and 3 hours later...

the poop is gone!

one nasty voicemail and one equally nasty email to my landlord is all it took, apparently. i don't know who picked it up, but i could not be happier.

in their honor, i have written a poem.

An Ode to the Cat Poop:

cat poop, cat poop, cat poop on my stairs,
i asked you to leave, but nobody cared...

what careless feline left you for me to discover?
we've gotten so close, like i was your mother.

i thought you'd grow old with me, and someday turn white,
oh, but cat poop! you are gone. and, to my delight!

-Anonymous

...

the second reason why i'm not a cat person...

so.

there are only three other people that live on my boring apartment floor: the Lesbian with the Barking Dog, the Cougar and one Cat Lover.

singular.

uno.

YOU.

Cat Lover.

in fact, you have two cats.

and we all know who you are because your creepy cats sit in your window sill facing the walkway pawing their clawless appendages at me as i walk by...managing to scare the living daylights out of me every. single. time.

so, Cat Lover on my floor, i don't know what the problem is here.

do you need to borrow my broom?

maybe it was an honest-to-goodness mistake and there is a hole in your trash bag? and you just flat out didn't notice the poop and litter cascading down our steps like niagra falls during a flood? or maybe there was a cat poop emergency and there was no time to pick it all up?

no?

maybe it is something else then? huh?

maybe something much grander than my narrow scope of cat hatred can see past. maybe i'm just too narrow minded that i can't see the bigger picture.

it wouldn't be the first time.

maybe there is a hole in your pocket? yeah? and, maybe. JUST maybe, you are smuggling cats for The Underground Railroad for Cats with Loose Colon's?

hmmmm?

i don't know.

but, what i DO know, is that i would very much like it if you would pick up the evidence.

the end.


for the first reason i am not a cat person, please see: http://sideconversation.blogspot.com/

*disclaimer: i know three very lovely cats. oliver (despite recent behavior, see link above), holly (despite an alleged evil streak and a female name) and george (despite his tshirt loving ways).

advice from a friend:

"in fact, i think you should stare your boss and co-workers directly in the face and slowly drag your index finger across your throat.

do it menacingly."






yikes.

An Open Letter to My Boring A$$ Apartment

dearest boring apartment,

last night i was so bored with you that i practiced handstands until i collapsed.


then i tried the splits.

oh! hey splits! i didn't see you there...

hey! guess what?



you suck.

which brings me to my next point, dearest boring apartment,

what life goals will tonight's events bring inside your stale white textured walls...?

can't wait to see you!!!

kisses and whatnot,
Me

An Open Letter to my Job

Dear Job,

Suck it.

Love always,
Inmate #791092387 92387 7891

P.S. Go to Hell.

in response to "hey, what are you doing?"

"yeah.

i'm being totally bitchy at work with a gigantic headache thinking about leaving this f*cking place.

that's what i'm doing.

i've been doing all of that at my f*cking desk. Thanks."




awesome.

3 and 1/2 walls.

i am one of four sales people in a 30' x 30' square room. i, like the others, am surrounded by 3 1/2 grey linen-esque looking, padded walls. there is a 3 foot space directly behind me that is often darkened by my lurking manager's shadow. he wears sneakers so i can't hear him approaching. he just appears from time to time...

this is the only way out.


unless.


...

(cue dramatic music)

damn.

that was easy.



now what?