hey, remember that time?

when i sat on my straightener and burned my backside?

member that?

ok. well. it hurts! AND it has made my left cheek almost completely out of commission, and i was really counting on that guy to get me through some serious TV watching tonight. i underestimated the viciousness of my straightener. i mean, it is a big ass burn, folks. pun intended.

ha! did you see that, Pun? in your face, i just owned you.

gives a whole new meaning to toasted buns, doesn't it?

OH! there it is again! i mean, i am on fire! or atleast, i was!!

Oh, shoot, its not even fair how hilarious i am.

*sigh* good times, good times.

Pun 1, Me 3
heh, heh

its in quiet moments of reflection...

that i'll remember that i'm completely disgusting.

lunchy.

one inch by two inches.

so, i sat on my straightener this morning.

gotta a lil' burn on the buns, friends.

athankyouverymuch

I'd like to personally thank Christopher Columbus for blindly sailing to India to find salt and this is what he got instead.

C-man,

We share a love of salt and this great land, so thank you.

Love always,
me

What? You want more? Ok. Well, thanks to Ol' Chrissy I am leaving for the day, how's that? AND, I'm gonna go home and eat bon-bons and stare at my walls for a couple of hours. Is that enough? Maybe do my nails? No? Ok, well, at some point I'm gonna have to clean up the oatmeal that is all over my microwave cause I cooked it for mmmm? approximately 8 minutes longer than necessary this morning before I realized what was happening. And, my toilet could use a good scrub, but let's be honest, that's not happening today. The bon-bons, I mean. I don't even know what a bon is, let alone multiple bons.

You know what is happening today?

A second interview is what.

Dear me,
Buenos suerte!
Love always,
me

PS You're fly is undone.

Dear me,
WHAT? How emBARRASSING! But thanks for the luck, that's awful sweet of you.
Sincerely,
me

Dear me,
Yeah, of course, I mean, XYZ. Xamine Your Zipper, like, duh ok?
Whateve,
me

Dear me,
You're a real jerk, there's a nice way to say it, you know.
-m


Dear m,
You should have titled this post "You know you've lost it when..."
Weirdo,
me

step away from the purse, George.

i went to see George last week and during my visit i busted him twice trying to steal from me. the first time he was acting all innocent like, "hey, this purse is cuuute, where did you get it?" And, i'm all, "my sister gave it to me, George, you knew that, we talked about this last time."

so, hours later i excuse myself to go to the bathroom, he and i were heavy into the scotch
(he prefers Dewar's when we debate politics, so being the good guest, i humor him)
and when i came back, this is what i found:

so, i'm all "GEORGE." (staring at him)

"care to explain yourself this time? i mean, my GYM bag?"

so, he claims he was looking for cigarettes, which is completely preposterous since he knows i don't smoke and i know he only smokes Swisher Sweets and only when he drinks lemonade wine spritzers cause it enhances the flavor of the lemons, right? right. so, calmly i recap this information and ask him again what he was doing in there.

he doesn't say a word for a good minute and we just stare at each other, sizing the other one up. i know he's lying and he knows i know, you know?

you know what he did next?

he slowly climbs down from his perch, still not saying a word, still glaring at me. instead of owning up to being a stinking thief that we all know he is, he marches right over to Otis, who was nothing but cordial all night and actually kept the conversation light with his knock-knock jokes. So, he goes up to Otis while staring at me and slaps him in the face exclaiming, "you know i hate knock-knock jokes, Otis. i'm only doing this cause i love you."

i left after that. three days later i can't find my watch.

i mean, the guy should be in jail.

lunch.

Southern Fried Tuna Steak and mac n cheese.

Oh hell yes!

We went to celebrate New's marriage and birthday all rolled into one. And, in true Eeorye style, New had picked a place and then Eeorye changed it to suit what he wanted. Oooook. Good start.

Oh, and you want to know about conversation? Riiiight. Nobody likes each other and no one has anything to positive to say. At one point we are all staring at various blank spots about 5 feet in front feigning deep thoughts.

Wait. Are you trying to claim that its possible that Tits had deep thoughts and maybe i'm being too harsh?

Tsk. Awwww. You're pretty.

don't tell me you've never done this before.

cause i won't believe you.

so, last night at 1 am you would have found me dancing by myself by candle light in my apartment wearing my spanx skirt and nude tank top, drinking wine from a coffee cup and wearing my indian head dress from last year's halloween costume that i happened to find on a trip through the front closet earlier in the evening while singing "All I Want For Christmas is You" at the top of my lungs.

eat your heart out, boys.

*wink*

i am a keeper.

one week.

i've decided to quit in one week.

or on the 15th or whatever. i don't know what i'll do or where i'll go, but i don't care.

Pavarotti

Did i tell you that since the new year, Pavarotti has decided to stop being my friend? She went from work BFFs buying awkward Christmas presents for me and New to straight up ignoring me/us. I mean, it was us - but now its just me for whatever reason.

At first I thought it was random and it really hurt my feelings, but now I find quite comical*. Mainly because now she won't even look me in the eyes and she only acknowledges my presence when the Triplets are around and she has someone that she needs to impress.

And, I'm not special. She ignores/is rude to any female that is a threat to her relationship with the Triplets. Cougs, Self Righteous and I have decided that she has a Single White Female crush on two of the triplets and their wives/families. Its actually extremely interesting to watch. Um, really spooky, but interesting.

I would not be suprised if she goes all "Misery" on the guys and she is the wild-eyed crazy on the news who is staring down the helicopters while holding them hostage. Only her weapon of choice would be cake.

That psycho loooooves her some cake.



*Up top, Titsy!
No Tits, NO! NO. I said up-top, not top-up.
Sheesh.

Pat, pat.

i just got back from our opening ceremony.

to be completely honest, all it ever really is is another reason for the big wigs to get together and tell each other how amazing they are, use words like "culmination" and "fruition", pat each other on the back and "isn't this the best thing that has every happened to this city, country, continent, UNIVERSE???"

(shrug.)

i mean, sure its nice. but the last time i checked we weren't saving lives or even sick puppies. we're not even pooling our money to save one of children. tsk, tsk. Sally would be so disappointed.

oh wait! i did notice that our marketing lady had new veneers, so, um, that's good.

i totally want to be this couple.

i went to the Charlotte Ronson show in NYC a couple of weeks back and absolutely fell in love with this couple. they had their own vibe going on and were just insanely cool. my favorite was him, of course. rocking that beard and hair.

rawr!

but the best was every time a new model or look walked down the runway he seemed to take it all in with a slow head-to-toe-to-head glance as the girls would walk by. most of the time he would sit in the same position as you see above with no emotion on his face, but every so often on an outfit he really liked, they model would get a slow nod of approval. i don't know why, but these two were fascinating to watch.

and i have no idea who they are, but from where they landed in the seating at the show, i'm assuming they're socialites of some sort. it doesn't really matter. what matters is how can i become them?

i guess i could start by growing my beard again.

cake.

if we weren't going to have cake in an hour, i'd be so outta here.

fat kid gets, what fat kid wants. and mama wants cakey.

oh craig, you sly devil...

so, i'm sitting in the model home where us sales people have come to lurk since our internet is completely gone at the office.

babyface has turned on the t.v. to SMOOTHJazz for a little background music, i'm not much for tacky elevator jazz, but what choice do i have?

both sales guys leave for lunch...

But, hark! What joyous golden songbird has swooped down from the pearly gates themselves to tease me with music from Heaven above?

i stop typing and look up...
and for a moment, time is frozen.
my breathing stops.
we lock eyes.

we lock mustaches.

me and craig.

pure sax.

oh craig!

i get you!
do you feel that?

our moment was brief! but real.

real jazzy.

i look forward to the next interlude. until then, sax on...

epiphany.

It struck me as I was walking out the door last night.

A co-worker made a joke that I'm the guy from Office Space who keeps showing up to work even though I'm not getting a paycheck.

The saddest part is that I don't even have a stapler that I like. Noooo, nooo, that's not the sad part. The sad part is that it's true.
YOUR MOM IS TRUE.

(what? I couldn't go out on a sad note)

someone farted.

and that means i'm out of here.

someone's insides are seriously pissed. no pun intended. unless, of course, the pun was MEANT to be intentional and then that changes everything. maybe the pun managed to manifest in the form of a foul stench courtesy of one my cubemates and its sole intent was to make me seriously rethink my lunch decision today and every day after..?

well, then, if that's the case, then the pun has certainly made it's point.

you are a worthy opponent, pun, but now i'm keen to your wily ways...

oh, you're damn right i'm keeping score, too.

pun 1, me 0.

for now...

(scary music plays)

Born with it? Ha!

Look, I don't know who this Mabelline person is, but I would like to thank her for creating the perfect red lipstick color.

I am not a lipstick wearer, or a color wearer - by genetics alone I am a lip nudist (I have no idea what that means, but go with it). On a recent trip to New York I decided to start wearing color again, and not just any color...red, baby!

RED.

Hooker-heels-slow-motion-lick-your-lips-red. Black-lace-bra-under-a-thin-white-tshirt-red. I-want-my-money-red.

You know the one.

So, here it is. The perfect red. Some search their whole lives for it, but not you, friend. I did all the work for you. Because I love you.

And for that? You owe me. Like, SO big. Like, I don't even know what you owe me yet? But it's a LOT. And by a lot I mean, maybe your first born? (*cough*Trent*cough*)

I'm just saying.

You owe me, Molly*.

BIG.

No, I take that back.

You owe me HUGE.

Like, how the Pope owes hat designers big. Like, how the mountains owe the canyons cause they look that much bigger, big. Like, how nerds owe Star Wars cause it gave them validation, big. You understand what I'm saying here?

HEY! Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Freaking A.

No respect. Unbelieveable.

Oh, well then. Here's the lipstick, as if you even deserve it. Psccht. Maybelline. Red Revival, yeah, yeah. You're welcome.

(Ptooey!) You make me sick. And a little hungry. Wanna grab a snack? No? Just a coffee? I mean, yeah, I could go for a coffee...you decide. Whatever. I could do either. Seriously.

*And anyone who's NOT Molly. You know who you are. Posers. Sick 'em, Molly!

Seriously?

You're telling me that I've managed to be in this hell hole long enough for Self Righteous to go through meathead boyfriend to new guy to husband, actually get knocked up, have the baby and actually return from maternity leave?

Oh, HELLO, Rock Bottom!

HI!!!!!!!

I've, like, toooootally missed you! You know, you're not as bad as everyone says...is it weird that I'm almost comfortable with you? I feel so close to you...

Call me, k?

$ex Panther earrings.

65% of the time...they work every time.


PS i try to keep this site "cuss free" so Hambone can read it at work.
If I ever get flagged and she can't read it ahora miso, I'll never forgive myself.

Out with the New.

So late yesterday the New Girl (she's been here for two years, but who's counting) runs into my office (cubicle) with wide eyes and pointing to a red-penned note with the word "SH I T." written across it and motioning for me to come downstairs.

Apparently the night before she had printed her resume on the community printer after everyone had gone home and got side-tracked so she never picked it out of the tray.

She had completely forgotten about it until Tits Magee (her superior) placed her resume and college transcripts into her mail slot this afternoon.

Ol' Titsy hung on to them all day waiting for the perfect moment to strike and now New is freaking out (rightfully so).

Lesson of the day?

Tits always knows.

ol' rhett butlah.

while chatting with a friend:

"a semi cute guy just walked into my office and i pinched my cheeks like scarlett o'hara."

classic.

You know what, George...

I'm getting REAAAAL sick of your shenanigans.

I went to a Stella & Dot jewelry party the other night which is basically a really fun excuse to get all your girlfriends together and drink wine and shop for sparkly things.

Right? Right.

Well, most of their stuff is under $50 bucks but occassionally you see a higher priced item.

So, I've had my eye on this one necklace FOREVER and have been saving my pennies so I can buy it and be soooooo super cute this Fall, ok?

Well, I show up to the party and who do I see PRANCING around and SHOWING OFF his new "faaaabulous bauble" and "isn't it to die for??!!" and "this piece found him, not the other way around, and then they just fell madly in love with each other, and isn't love GRAND??!!!!"

Yup. George.

Give me a break, George. "Just fell in love with each other???"

Barf.

You KNEW I had been saving so diligently for the Garden Party necklace and now its tainted and now everyone we know will know that YOU had the necklace first and I'll have to go around town with people whispering behind my back that, "isn't that GEORGE'S necklace???"

You jerk.

The worst part about it is that those fall colors look really great with his skin tone. Plus, look how it brings out the amber hues in his eyes.

I really hate it when he's right.

www.stelladot.com/sites/jenniferjune if you're curious.

Mark Wanka Darcy.

I went to the lake a weekend or so ago and one of our fabulous hosts prepared a most delicious meal.

We had steak, mashed potatoes and a yummy salad with tomatoes, mushrooms, avocado, the whole works.

He was trying to be adventurous with a blue cheese mushroom sauce for the steak and this is what the result was.

We had a wonderful meal of blue soup, marmalade and congealed green gunge pictured above.

Mmmmmm! Thanks Adam!

Text blessed.

These two texts came from two different people last night and as you can see, in two VERY different worlds.

Friend 1)
Can we talk tomorrow? I'm getting a crash course in characteristic curves of light.

Uh, crash course in what? Nerd alert.

Friend 2)
Shane as$hole! Hate him only peeps here and tried to dance obn booth wuld not let me.

Followed by:
Urh summertime by fresh
pronce...really???

Is that even English???? Remind me to check on her hangover today.

That's it. For some reason those stark differences struck me as really funny last night. Booze hound or dork, I don't discriminate.

Unless you're short. And then, forget it. Deals OFF.

if i were on television.

i'd probably look like this:

guess which one is me?

a bedtime story.

Once upon a time there were two college girls who went to a soon-to-be-famous singer's concert. After the concert, the singer made his way through the crowd, answering questions and meeting adoring fans.

The two girls summoned all their scholarly courage and bravely walked up to the singer and asked the question the whole crowd wanted to know...

"Hi, John. We want to know...do you eat?"
John replied with a snark, "Although my Body is a Wonderland of seemingly fraility...contrary to popular belief I do engage in body supplantation of nutrients and other life forms." (Or something equally as witty, I'm sure.)

The clever girls giggled in response for surely John did not understand this universal question,

"No, no. We want to know if you eat lunch? And, if so, if you'll eat lunch with us?"

John was quick to see the error in communication and let out a chuckle, "Oh, you witty things! I would love to, but seeing how I must be in a different city tomorrow, it tis not possible! Pish, posh, you are wise beyond your years and the world is your oyster, a stitch in time saves nine, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, cliches!"

And so the story ended.

Or so it seemed...

Until today.

I'm watching the Michael Jackson funeral/tribute thing on televsion when lo' and behold my John walks on stage. Yes, it is I, one of the witty co-eds of yesteryear. I immediately text my friend in Chicago, a fellow John-lover and someone who happens to be a radio talk show host.

me "John looks hot."
her "U couldve asked him to lunch"
me "SHOT. DOWN."
her "I'm so envious of u. Thts so effn awesome. u rule in my book. U RULE. I'm gonna remind him about it if i ever interview him. Tell him he missed out an ORIGINAL. and i'm gonna call u and put u on the air. U will have your redemption. If it kills me. U WILL. its on. mission possible!"
me "That was beauty, my friend. And made me spill queso in my hair. Dang. I just took cheesehead to a new level. Take THAT, JOHN!"

I soon returned to my office and this e-card was waiting for me...beckoning me to open it.

It was titled: A Cry for Help.

As if those stinging words weren't enough!!! She also included a cryptic message, a message that would soon rip my heart into shreads, it read:

"Youre eating queso without me?? B*TCH."

Ne'er truer words e'er been spoken.

Ne'er truer words.

-THE END-

...for now...!!!!

(scary music plays)

Its official.

Everyone prefers Sweet N' Low.

Letter From My Attorney.

I mean it.

kisses,

K.J.

Coward.

Freakhog* chicken.

This convo just went down between Tits Magee and our Project Director.

Tits "And so there are all these beaners, are in the back of the truck..."
P.D. "Titsy Tits. WHOA. That's not politically correct."
Tits "Yeah, well..."
P.D. "(nervous laugh) Uuuuh...uh...I better leave before Tits rubs off on me. Heh, heh."

Chicken.

How can we be in a work environment and SHE GET AWAY WITH THAT?????!!!!!! You cannot use a racial slur and have the boss's boss's boss just WALK AWAY.

Seriously.

How????

I'll tell you how. Two words, both very powerful:

Nipple. Shadows.







*up top, bookclub!!

Free Advice.

I can't...I don't...I...it's just...um...

genius.

pure. genius.

Bobby Tonight.

One of my brother-in-law's best friends has an alter ego when he goes out and calls himself "Bobby Tonight."

This picture is from the inside of Bobby's custom-made jacket.

Nuff said.

The Club!

This is one of my neighbor's trucks.

Hi, neighbor?

Really? The Club!????

( . ) ( . )

____

No, you are right. Absolutely, 100% right. You never know when someone is going to need a two-seater 1974 little white beat up truck with homemade dog kennel in the back.

The best part is that he doesn't put The Club! on every time...it's maybe once or twice a week. You know, only on "steal my POS mini-truck" days.

I will say that The Club! must work.

That beast sits pretty in the drive day in, and day out.

one small step for prisoner...

One gigantic leap for my website!!!

Thank you Pay Pal!!!

"You've Successfully Upgraded to a Business Account!"

Tax ID

Sole proprietorship, b*tches!

uh! double up, uh - UH!

i am officially official.