step away from the purse, George.

i went to see George last week and during my visit i busted him twice trying to steal from me. the first time he was acting all innocent like, "hey, this purse is cuuute, where did you get it?" And, i'm all, "my sister gave it to me, George, you knew that, we talked about this last time."

so, hours later i excuse myself to go to the bathroom, he and i were heavy into the scotch
(he prefers Dewar's when we debate politics, so being the good guest, i humor him)
and when i came back, this is what i found:

so, i'm all "GEORGE." (staring at him)

"care to explain yourself this time? i mean, my GYM bag?"

so, he claims he was looking for cigarettes, which is completely preposterous since he knows i don't smoke and i know he only smokes Swisher Sweets and only when he drinks lemonade wine spritzers cause it enhances the flavor of the lemons, right? right. so, calmly i recap this information and ask him again what he was doing in there.

he doesn't say a word for a good minute and we just stare at each other, sizing the other one up. i know he's lying and he knows i know, you know?

you know what he did next?

he slowly climbs down from his perch, still not saying a word, still glaring at me. instead of owning up to being a stinking thief that we all know he is, he marches right over to Otis, who was nothing but cordial all night and actually kept the conversation light with his knock-knock jokes. So, he goes up to Otis while staring at me and slaps him in the face exclaiming, "you know i hate knock-knock jokes, Otis. i'm only doing this cause i love you."

i left after that. three days later i can't find my watch.

i mean, the guy should be in jail.