hey, remember that time?

when i sat on my straightener and burned my backside?

member that?

ok. well. it hurts! AND it has made my left cheek almost completely out of commission, and i was really counting on that guy to get me through some serious TV watching tonight. i underestimated the viciousness of my straightener. i mean, it is a big ass burn, folks. pun intended.

ha! did you see that, Pun? in your face, i just owned you.

gives a whole new meaning to toasted buns, doesn't it?

OH! there it is again! i mean, i am on fire! or atleast, i was!!

Oh, shoot, its not even fair how hilarious i am.

*sigh* good times, good times.

Pun 1, Me 3
heh, heh

its in quiet moments of reflection...

that i'll remember that i'm completely disgusting.

lunchy.

one inch by two inches.

so, i sat on my straightener this morning.

gotta a lil' burn on the buns, friends.

athankyouverymuch

I'd like to personally thank Christopher Columbus for blindly sailing to India to find salt and this is what he got instead.

C-man,

We share a love of salt and this great land, so thank you.

Love always,
me

What? You want more? Ok. Well, thanks to Ol' Chrissy I am leaving for the day, how's that? AND, I'm gonna go home and eat bon-bons and stare at my walls for a couple of hours. Is that enough? Maybe do my nails? No? Ok, well, at some point I'm gonna have to clean up the oatmeal that is all over my microwave cause I cooked it for mmmm? approximately 8 minutes longer than necessary this morning before I realized what was happening. And, my toilet could use a good scrub, but let's be honest, that's not happening today. The bon-bons, I mean. I don't even know what a bon is, let alone multiple bons.

You know what is happening today?

A second interview is what.

Dear me,
Buenos suerte!
Love always,
me

PS You're fly is undone.

Dear me,
WHAT? How emBARRASSING! But thanks for the luck, that's awful sweet of you.
Sincerely,
me

Dear me,
Yeah, of course, I mean, XYZ. Xamine Your Zipper, like, duh ok?
Whateve,
me

Dear me,
You're a real jerk, there's a nice way to say it, you know.
-m


Dear m,
You should have titled this post "You know you've lost it when..."
Weirdo,
me

step away from the purse, George.

i went to see George last week and during my visit i busted him twice trying to steal from me. the first time he was acting all innocent like, "hey, this purse is cuuute, where did you get it?" And, i'm all, "my sister gave it to me, George, you knew that, we talked about this last time."

so, hours later i excuse myself to go to the bathroom, he and i were heavy into the scotch
(he prefers Dewar's when we debate politics, so being the good guest, i humor him)
and when i came back, this is what i found:

so, i'm all "GEORGE." (staring at him)

"care to explain yourself this time? i mean, my GYM bag?"

so, he claims he was looking for cigarettes, which is completely preposterous since he knows i don't smoke and i know he only smokes Swisher Sweets and only when he drinks lemonade wine spritzers cause it enhances the flavor of the lemons, right? right. so, calmly i recap this information and ask him again what he was doing in there.

he doesn't say a word for a good minute and we just stare at each other, sizing the other one up. i know he's lying and he knows i know, you know?

you know what he did next?

he slowly climbs down from his perch, still not saying a word, still glaring at me. instead of owning up to being a stinking thief that we all know he is, he marches right over to Otis, who was nothing but cordial all night and actually kept the conversation light with his knock-knock jokes. So, he goes up to Otis while staring at me and slaps him in the face exclaiming, "you know i hate knock-knock jokes, Otis. i'm only doing this cause i love you."

i left after that. three days later i can't find my watch.

i mean, the guy should be in jail.

lunch.

Southern Fried Tuna Steak and mac n cheese.

Oh hell yes!

We went to celebrate New's marriage and birthday all rolled into one. And, in true Eeorye style, New had picked a place and then Eeorye changed it to suit what he wanted. Oooook. Good start.

Oh, and you want to know about conversation? Riiiight. Nobody likes each other and no one has anything to positive to say. At one point we are all staring at various blank spots about 5 feet in front feigning deep thoughts.

Wait. Are you trying to claim that its possible that Tits had deep thoughts and maybe i'm being too harsh?

Tsk. Awwww. You're pretty.

don't tell me you've never done this before.

cause i won't believe you.

so, last night at 1 am you would have found me dancing by myself by candle light in my apartment wearing my spanx skirt and nude tank top, drinking wine from a coffee cup and wearing my indian head dress from last year's halloween costume that i happened to find on a trip through the front closet earlier in the evening while singing "All I Want For Christmas is You" at the top of my lungs.

eat your heart out, boys.

*wink*

i am a keeper.

one week.

i've decided to quit in one week.

or on the 15th or whatever. i don't know what i'll do or where i'll go, but i don't care.

Pavarotti

Did i tell you that since the new year, Pavarotti has decided to stop being my friend? She went from work BFFs buying awkward Christmas presents for me and New to straight up ignoring me/us. I mean, it was us - but now its just me for whatever reason.

At first I thought it was random and it really hurt my feelings, but now I find quite comical*. Mainly because now she won't even look me in the eyes and she only acknowledges my presence when the Triplets are around and she has someone that she needs to impress.

And, I'm not special. She ignores/is rude to any female that is a threat to her relationship with the Triplets. Cougs, Self Righteous and I have decided that she has a Single White Female crush on two of the triplets and their wives/families. Its actually extremely interesting to watch. Um, really spooky, but interesting.

I would not be suprised if she goes all "Misery" on the guys and she is the wild-eyed crazy on the news who is staring down the helicopters while holding them hostage. Only her weapon of choice would be cake.

That psycho loooooves her some cake.



*Up top, Titsy!
No Tits, NO! NO. I said up-top, not top-up.
Sheesh.

Pat, pat.

i just got back from our opening ceremony.

to be completely honest, all it ever really is is another reason for the big wigs to get together and tell each other how amazing they are, use words like "culmination" and "fruition", pat each other on the back and "isn't this the best thing that has every happened to this city, country, continent, UNIVERSE???"

(shrug.)

i mean, sure its nice. but the last time i checked we weren't saving lives or even sick puppies. we're not even pooling our money to save one of children. tsk, tsk. Sally would be so disappointed.

oh wait! i did notice that our marketing lady had new veneers, so, um, that's good.

i totally want to be this couple.

i went to the Charlotte Ronson show in NYC a couple of weeks back and absolutely fell in love with this couple. they had their own vibe going on and were just insanely cool. my favorite was him, of course. rocking that beard and hair.

rawr!

but the best was every time a new model or look walked down the runway he seemed to take it all in with a slow head-to-toe-to-head glance as the girls would walk by. most of the time he would sit in the same position as you see above with no emotion on his face, but every so often on an outfit he really liked, they model would get a slow nod of approval. i don't know why, but these two were fascinating to watch.

and i have no idea who they are, but from where they landed in the seating at the show, i'm assuming they're socialites of some sort. it doesn't really matter. what matters is how can i become them?

i guess i could start by growing my beard again.

cake.

if we weren't going to have cake in an hour, i'd be so outta here.

fat kid gets, what fat kid wants. and mama wants cakey.