october bake-off.

i'm third from the left.

close-up.

i totally lost. that ghost town rocked.

tits & babies.

oil & water.


some things should never be in the same room together.

today one of the Triplets brought his twins to work for their first showing. it is so fun to see tits sit in the corner and glare at the babies with a huge grimace on her face like they are going to attack her with their sweet sleepiness and innocent hearts. like a vampire to light. she just moved awkwardly around the room for 15 minutes and only after the mother of the babies complimented her hair did she say the babies were cute.

that's how tits operates. gets a compliment, gives one. gets, gives. gets, gives. but her first. always.

dropping like flies...

New Girl just went home cause poor thing has horrible allergies.

Her poor little nose is all red and she can't stop sneezing. Legit? TOTALLY. In fact, one of the College Triplets* sent her a blank email with only this in it.

Now what has happened? i've heard Babyface, Eeorye and now Tits all say they don't feel good.

which may be true. totally may be true, i'm not the only one who can get sick. i just think its funny how after i described my ordeal to them almost all of them were like 'oooh, my throat hurts'.

sure it does.

*College Triplets: after much consideration i've decided that is the name for the three boys i work with who all went to college together and who are like brothers with their silly ways and awesome bullsh it.

eavesdropping.

Babyface is talking to his best friend, Pretty Boy, and their wives are both expecting babies. I guess Pretty Boy and his wife just did the 3-D sonogram to look at their new little girl.

Babyface "well, does she have a cute little face? Uh huh. Right. I know, I'd be relieved. I'm super afraid of our baby being a cyclopse, too."

aaaaaaaaahahhahahaha

PS if that creature looks tired its because he just lost to liquid vi codin. UH!

Man's Strep Throat Leads to Amputation

DAD WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ColdandFluNews/story?id=6108398&page=1


ho-ly...

technology is your friend. literally.

an email from a friend:


i just looked at my power point presentation (i'm about to make a major proposal at work that will boost my job a few levels and add 2 new managers under me). and i just made a pie chart, because hey everyone likes charts and everyone likes pie, so i'm putting one in.so, i'm looking at my powerpoint pie chart and I make eye contact with the paperclip. he gives me this look and then slyly looks at my presentation.and I physically nodded my head at him with a smirk like "yeah. i know. it looks gooooooood."man, it made me laugh out loud! now, i'm talking to the Microsoft help icon!!!! it was a natural conversation between man and computer.

What are you wearing?

Today i look like a blueberry.

Blue pants.
Blue sweater.
Blue attitude.
Blue cheese.

Blue...bell? done.

beat down.

i have to renew my license, so that means i have to take a 30-hour course. and since i waited so long now i have to do it in 5 days.

poor me.

poor poor pitiful me.

but really. this is not fun.

another birthday...

another time for us to hear from Self Righteous on how "she can't eat the cake, but she just wants to smell the sugar and is it good? i can smell it from here. i can't eat cake cause i'm doing Atkins diet. i've been doing Atkins for a year."

ok, LOOK, self righteous. if you have been DOING it for a year then we have heard ABOUT it for a f&cking year. every. damn. time you remotely come across a grain of sugar or a single carb WE have to hear about it.

so why do you do like everyone else and shut the hell up already?

we get it. you want to lose weight. got it. you are on a diet. check. you're chubby. it's noted. you're special. i. got. it. we ALL get it.

now please shut your trap and pass me my red velvet cupcake.

don't forget to add the extra packet of sugar on top paired with a real coke, please. bread basket.

thanks.

middle school.

my friend who teaches middle school just had an abstinence rally at her school and then they did a little bit of s e x education for the kids. apparently, this is the correct order of how you do it, in case you may have missed a step along the way. if middle schoolers can follow directions, so can we.

talking
holding hands
a kiss and hug
a passionate kiss
touching under clothes
taking off clothes
intercourse

also, in case you were wondering, yes, you are a sl ut.

never complain.

i whined to the boys i work with (imagine that) that i wanted a bright and shiney nametag for my cubicle like they had on their fancy offices with doors.

this is what i got.

it is by far my favorite thing in my cube!

open letter to Self Righteous.

dear S.R.,

hey you! how ARE you?

hey, hey, remember that time? remember? it was at lunch today? yeah, then. when you saw the gift i gave New Girl for her birthday? you know, the super fun blinky ice cubes? and remember how you didn't have one for your drink and in your self-righteous, bitter and defensive way of feeling stupid and left out of the gwoupy-woupy you did something just SOOOOO charming like you always do? you don't remember?

well, instead of laughing at them like everyone else did...hahaha, it was so funny what you did...you light-hearted little champ, you...do you remember? instead you called them "obnoxious" and shoved your nose in the air like you were better than us just so you felt better about yourself and your joyless existence?

remember that? hahaha, remember? and, OH YEAH, oh my gosh, i almost forgtot! how could i forget?

you have no soul.

xoxo,
me

4: 36pm - environmental meeting.

(wine on a patio.)

tits gift?

so, titsy tits is a product junky and yesterday we were talking about different hair products for 30 minutes (for it is never a short convo when tits is involved). i walked into the office this morning and there is a the nicest thing on my desk - one of the products we were discussing the day before - as a gift!

who'd have thought i'd have tits to thank for my shiney locks!

thank. you. tits!

purse contents.

all perfectly normal items.

goldilocks.

i dropped off a couple of balloons at the office last night at 8:45 for the girl that always gives balloons to everyone else for their birthday. i scared the bejeezus out of the cleaning guy.

anywho, my point is that there is a work birthday lunch in 15 minutes. and Lunch Strategy must be set into motion veeeery carefully. what you want to do is go to the bathroom five minutes before everyone leaves for lunch so you can arrive slightly later than everyone else...but not in the very last car...unless there are more than three people in that car. that way you are assured atleast a one-person cushion between Self-Righteous or Tits Magee.

should Lunch Strategy fail, there are two things that could happen:
too early and Self-Righteous or Tits might snuggle up next to you.
too late and the only seat left is between the two.

you have to play it juuuuust right, goldilocks.

george.

george decided to wear a sunflower on his tshirt the other night that he grew in his organic garden to demonstrate world peace and love.

pffffffffft. freaking hippie liberal jacka$$.

go smoke some dope, you dope-smoker cat.

what a jerk.