mo' says...

don't forget to get a mammogram.

barack georgbama

here is george last night watching the democratic national convention. last time we spoke he said he would keep an open mind to both the candidates and all the issues.

i asked him about his wardrobe last night and he just swore up and down to me that he just "happened" to pick out a blue tshirt by "coincidence".

lying sonofabitch cat.

terry the maintenance man.

ran into terry today in the parking lot and he was telling me how he was just diagnosed with diabetes type 1. totally sucks. sidenote: that's the third person that i've known who has been randomly diagnosed with it in the past 3 weeks.

anyway, part of terry's charm is his response to the diagnosis.

"i feel bad for any weaker bastard who gets this disease. i mean, i'm a bad motherf&cker and it almost put me in the dirt."

i'm so stealing that phrase.

survival!

welp.

i survived lunch even though i sat right next to tits. her attitude was suprisingly pleasant even though her tits were extra titsy today.

"how titsy were they?"

well, i'm glad you asked. they were so titsy that me and two co-workers actually discussed how incredibly extra super inflated titsy titstastic titsified they were the entire car ride to lunch.

tits.


i know what you are thinking "riveting posts today, prisoner."

and i'm all "i know. thanks."

birthday lunch.

we have a work birthday lunch today, so depending on who i sit by my day could be a complete beating or a complete blast.

the silver lining is atleast i look cute today.

white linen pants, robin's egg blue camisole with white trim and a white linen cropped jacket with big linen covered buttons.

tsk...awwwwwwwww! i know.

email from my boss's boss's boss.

in response to a new baby announcement:

"Congrats Tim. You need to change your diet from this day forward because Sara now has too much testosterone in the house. #3 needs to have a Va-j-j!!!!!!!!!

My brother will be glad to hear Steven was born on his birthday."

for real.

Question 7L

So, my office is applying for a different health insurance company and we all had to fill out forms a couple of weeks ago. Today I got this email from our head office:

Dear Me,

Please complete medical question 7L and if yes, fill in the explanation box at the bottom of that page. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Thanks – and have a great weekend.
B

Question 7L, the only question I left blank:

7. Within the past 5 years, have you or any dependant had or been treated for any of the following:
L. Disorder of the blood, immune system or lymph nodes including AIDS or HIV?

em-barrassing.

9 a.m.

that's the time i woke up this morning.

at work? 9:30.

some may say that i have SLIGHTLY greasy hair.

true story.

my sister got married this past weekend and this may or may not have happened...

my friend's husband was standing at the bar next to my dad and had just ordered a fresh beer.

while talking to my dad, he had taken maybe two sips when my dad grabbed his beer from his lips and tossed it in the trash.

he then turned to my friend's husband and goes, "get a fresh one. it's on me."

what?

my dad friggin' rocks.

heavy breather.

i have a cold right now and so i can't breathe out of my nose without snot reverb going on and since i can't find my inhaler *snort*pushupglasses*snort* i am wheezing like a fat man chasing the ice cream truck while holding his man boobs.

tee hee.

man boobs.

the debate.

which one is right?

gum.

sometimes a fun game to play at work is how many pieces of gum can you chew before you get sick?

the answer: 18

what are you wearing?

sometimes it's fun to check in with your friends on the work day apparel.

today i am wearing my white $2 dolla garage sale dress, big turquoise ring and light brown patent shoes. and i know, the description is not reflected in the drawing, but i was trying to demonstrate my dress for a rehersal dinner, so that's what you get.

UPDATE: I didn't wear either style. Apparently I have gained weight and chubby thighs don't look good in mini dresses.

busted.

just got busted by eeorye for shopping on ebay.

meh.

like i care.

classy.

so, i am throwing away my coffee cup in the general work trash can when i notice a naked lady staring back up at me from the bottom of the trash. someone had ripped a page out of a magazine and didn't hide the evidence well.

pervert.

a message to those with six legs.

tell your friends, b*tch.

real beer.

3:37 p.m. michelob ultra with russ.
delicious.

UPDATE: 5:13 p.m. second beer. equally delicious.

serpy.

this is my serpent friend, Serpy. post-makeover.

i bought serpy two weeks ago on a major impulse buy on a rockstar weekend with my friend, Ooey.

in the store, serpy was beautiful. he was silver with diamond sparklies all down his back, his eyes shown the most brilliant green i have ever seen. i was enchanted. if he would have given me an apple, i probably would have eaten it, too. up top, Eve. i feel you, girl.

well, as soon as i walked out of the store i turned to my friend and declared that it was the ugliest bracelet i had ever seen. a piece of jewelry only paula abdul could love.

i had to paint him gold.

so, last night about midnight i busted out my gold foil paint (naturally) and started painting my good buddy serpy.

so, i am covered to my elbows (literally) in gold foil paint and turpentine. i'm all happy that serpy is getting a makeover and i'm all..."hey serps! you look bad a$$ all gold n' sh*t." when i realize what the label said on the gold foil paint can.

"may cause cancer in the state of california."

phew.

i'm no where near cali. west coast suckas.

what the...?

Horoscope - August 7, 2008

Your mind may wander to a fantasyland full of castles and wizards and magic dragons today. You might find that you are putting yourself in the robes of royalty surrounding yourself with riches and slaying dragons. Observe the fanciful scenario you have created for yourself and see how the symbols and characters connect with your real life. Your imagination is trying to tell you something.

babyface.

ok, babyface's g.ma-in-law passed away earlier this week, like last Sunday, k?

and while that is very sad and i am very sorry for their loss...it is now THURSDAY and still no sign of babyface.


everyday ike (our boss) was here on monday and left on business and is now back in the office.

everyday ike: babyface is still gone?

(silence)

me & russ: uh, he, uh, i think, uh, that's he's uh, supposed to be back today? (high pitched voices)

everyday ike: sh*t. what is it? one of those indian burial things or something? are they like, 'hey, what are we going to do today? oh, talk about grandma. AGAIN. or today we are going to have grandma's favorite breakfast and still talk some more about grandma, tomorrow we will have her second favorite breakfast and then talk some more. sh*t. i've never heard of such a long funeral.'

it's like he read my mind.

blazy.

i was totally blog lazy yesterday - you know, blazy? - (that was for you Hambone).

speaking of Ham.

check this out.

"Bipolar Oprah (Bipoprah) just cornered me in my office and talked for the last 15 minutes about herself. She’s incorrigible. Also, she’s been on fire today. I brought some pictures up to the office, and she said my husband looks like a deer in headlights and that I looked like I was older than my sister. Then she asked in front of our boss if I had a hole in my shirt (it is the whole that the string comes through in a wrap shirt). But at least our boss is seeing the crazy."

i love this for several reasons but my favorite part is that Ham used the word "incorrigible".

'ello Mary Opp'ins. Fancy a tupp'in for thu bu'rds? No 'u say? Its incorrigible? 'ell then, fish n' chips and la-ti-da, 'hen. Queens and 'uch. Ride on the tube. Bad teeth.

and you thought i was going to make fun of Bipoprah.



sucker.

just kiiiiiiiidding. i love you Ham. maybe Bipoprah's inner monologue was turned off yesterday. was she saying things like "don't forget to wipe. front to back, front to back" or maybe "hi mr. apple, i am going to eat you now."?

that's a sure sign.

cross-eyed bunny.

CEB for short.

she is not naturally cross-eyed, so don't let the name fool you. however, her eyes tend to travel inward when she is struck with something particularly funny. which is almost everything. and apparently, being cross-eyed triggers a stomping mechanism with her feet. laughing with CEB is in stereo because of said stomping and smoker's laugh. i will say that she is one of the sweetest people i work with. this particular 60-year old was once a scouted to be a playboy bunny, hence the "bunny" part of her name. homegirl likes her fun. *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*

i have learned a lot from working with CEB over the years, things i don't think i could have figured out on my own. for example, i didn't know bras were optional at work, did you?

and, today i learned two more life lessons. CEB was my "water watcher" replacement while i went to lunch today. and while it was sweet of her to take my place momentarily, the B.O. she left in her wake was devastating to my poor tortured gag reflex and the lunch i just inhaled.

lessons for the day:

• deodorant's a b*tch.
• oust is your friend.

part of the perks.

today my sole purpose at work is to run the hot water long enough for the not-brown water to replace the brown water.

since my office is now the bathroom floor, i get to plug my computer into the only socket behind the toilet, across the seat and through the toilet paper holder.

tsk. jealooooooous.

holey moley.

right.

so, should i be concerned that my neighbor's car has bullet holes on the side?

moo goo gai pan.

so...

i ordered chinese food this weekend. delivered.

this is what they brought.





it was delicious.

pure genius.

an email from a friend.

the last line made me laugh out loud.

"Bipolar Oprah is on fire today, walking into my office (I'm trying to squeeze in studying at work) and saying 'I didn't know they let you study here.' And then launching into her life story and how she couldn't get out of bed today b/c she's depressed and is going to be depressed for the next month until she can have back surgery. I want to strangle her with my bare hands."

i love how Bipolar Oprah knows she's going to be depressed for a solid month.

oh yeah, she works with a woman dubbed Bipolar Oprah.

poison!

i have had a constant sweet taste in my mouth for a couple of weeks now and last night i asked my doctor friend what it could be. he said either:

a) i'm lucky, cause it didn't sound so bad to him.

b) i have diabetes, but highly doubtful.

c) someone is trying to poison me!

i'm watching you, tits magee.

(pointing to my eyes, then to hers, back to mine)

oh yes. i'm watching.

self loathing.

lunch.