plotting my escape

My Life: A Shit Show

2012-01-27T19:18:00.000-08:00

Subtitle: My Existence and Other F*cked Up Things.

My life story as of this very moment. Fantastic. Moving On. Oh, isn't this fun?

Dreams

2012-01-10T12:34:00.000-08:00

Speaking of dreams, it feels as if this manufacturer went into my head and ripped this appliance right out of dreams. See? Dallas can't give me pancakes, bacon and coffee at the same time.

My abusive boyfriend, Dallas.

2012-01-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

Dallas Texas to be exact. And while he might be lovely for millions of people, he and I just do not get along.

We've been together for eight plus years and I have finally had enough.

Since the beginning, he's had this wonderful way of luring me in with promises of happiness and adventure, huge success and shiny trinkets. An elusive carrot. Filled with the most decadent flavors and alluring sweetness, so Dallas says. And then every time I am thisclose to having it all, or even some of it, I find myself broken and disappointed. Dallas beats me up with my own shattered dreams. And even then, exhausted and disappointed, he still manages to reel me back in with a promise of something amazing just around the corner. Again with the carrot. The ever-dangling out-of-reach carrot.

Always, just around the corner. Always, if I can pull myself together long enough this one last time to see if I can grab all the fulfillment it promises.

But this time, I'm saying no. This time I'm moving on.

Goodbye, Dallas.

Escape!

2012-01-09T16:14:00.000-08:00

After 2,646 days of prison. I am free.

FREE.

Now to start the Rest of My Life, Chapter II.

And-ah here-ah we go-ah...

Miss Butler wants to see you :-)

2011-09-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

And then there is this:

Good Ol' Fashion-ed Fun.

2011-09-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

Emphasis on the fashion.

Ain't nothing like hanging out with the creative directors and CEO of my favorite fashion label at a gay bar while a shirtless cowboy serves me Corona and a gaggle of men in tank tops butcher "Summer Loving" on karaoke night.

It was exactly how the fairy tales described it.

Its like they always say, "You never know when you'll find yourself shamelessly begging for a job to a bunch of Italians who don't understand you while flannel-clad women belt out "I Kissed A Girl", so always be prepared."

Such a cliché.

another sign its time to move out - part ii

2011-08-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

two very obvious hookers going to my neighbors apartment at 8:30am this morning.

,,,, ,,,,
( . )( . )
______

picture of health.

2011-08-08T14:29:00.001-07:00

lunch.

i think my diet is going splendidly, thankyouverymuch.

Work Beer.

2011-08-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

4:45 pm
M.J.

Always a good decision.

Happy Freedom Day, inmates!!!

2011-07-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

Fireworks for the 4th!
(Hey, atleast its still July)

Things are just slower in the clink, that's just how it is.

nice little sunday.

2011-07-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

what was supposed to be a quick jog around the lake turned a nice morning chatting with this fellow.

he stumped me with one one silly question while i walked by his advice booth...two jokes and thirty seconds later he pegged my current situation down to the finest detail.

two and a half hours later i made a friend for life. too cool.

Eeep!

2011-07-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

so, i bid on this: i won't know if i got it for a couple of days, but the possiblity is SO exciting and has me jazzed for days! i have no idea where i'll go...what i'll do...what i'll see...but i don't care.

P.A.T.

2011-04-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

Last week I found myself melted into my couch beyond all hope of ever being vertical in my apartment again.

As I lay there, too lazy to actually get up and cross the 20 feet from my couch to my kitchen, I found myself throwing heavy objects at my fridge and willing it to topple over and maybe, just maybe, a cold, refreshing beer would just happen to roll its delicious and happy little self to my limp, parched hand.

It was at that point that I realized if I had a child or a dog then they could get me that beer.

Suddenly a lightbulb went off as to why so many of my friends were procreating.

I get it!

First things first. With a soberingly sober and lethargic gerbil at the wheel, I started thinking of what names I could call this future beer-fetching prodigy. It would have to be something adventurous and bold, strong enough to remove a cork yet malleable enough to do my bidding.

It was then that I came up with Ponce Awesome Thompson. That's right.

Lemme esplain. No, lemme sum up.

Ponce - Named after Juan Ponce De Leon, seeker of the Fountain of Youth. If the Fountain of Youth isn't code for "frosty beverage" then I don't know what is. He was an explorer and an innovator. Sure, he might have failed in finding the Fountain of Youth but dammit, he tried. As a mother, all I will ever want is for my future dog/child to try (and never ever fail). Mama's reasonable.

Which brings me to the middle name. Awesome. A small guarantee of infamy and disillusionment, every mother's dream.

And then there is Thompson. And, well, Thompson just seems so sensible and grounded. (Insert a British guy with a long moustache and bowtie nodding in agreement). See? I am not a monster, thankyouverymuch.

So, that's it really. Motherhood sounds like, soooo amazing.

What?

You know you're all, "Ponce Awesome Thompson is the best name EVER. Why didn't I think of it???"

And I'm all, "I know. Dibbs".

(gasp!)

Dibbs is a great name too!

another sign its time to move out.

2010-07-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

so, remember this guy?

well, i called him to ask if he can fix my AC last week.

him: "yeah, babe! you know you're A-number one in my book."
me: "aw, thanks, Terry, you're the best."
him: "hey! did i tell you that i'm writing a screenplay?"
me: "no! that's incredible, follow that dream, go for it!"
him: "sure am. and get this...you're one of the characters!"
me: "oh...um...awesome..."

WHAT THE...?????

THEN, if that's not bad enough i get this text this morning.

"feel like mexican tonight?"

WHAT!

( . )( . )

___

Happy Birthday John Cusak!!!

2010-06-28T12:20:00.001-07:00

You and I are birthday twins!

Did you know that ever time birthday twins kiss a bright white light rains ice cream and chocolate and a puppy gets its wings? And also, Celine Dion is there. With baby birds.
Its true.

I've thought long and hard about all the things in my life that I have accomplished and then much longer about what I still need to achieve.

The list below are my goals for the next 12 months.
I think they're pretty standard and more importantly, totally acheivable.

Here it goes:

*Learn guitar*
*Speaka-the-Spanisha*
*Climb a mountain*
*Fight Communism*
*Do a sweet jump while snowboarding*
*Make a million dollars*
*Give a puppy it's wings*
*Write nonsensical jibberish in a list on my birthday*

*Canoe down the Rio Grande*

*Make out with Ryan Gosling and/or Jason Mraz*

*Become more awesomer than ever imagined*

*Stop the oil leaking in the Gulf*
*Again, the puppy thing*

Ok, I think that's a good start to my year.

Am I forgetting anything?

Instructions:

2010-06-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

How to be extremely creepy:

While running at night, but on a brightly lit and busy trail, you should wear tiny orange sunglasses and be atleast 6'5" (and I'm almost 6' so I can tell you what is a creepy height and when you're wearing the smallest sunglasses in the world at night, while running, that equals creepy-tall, not hot-tall).

Then, when a girl runs past you, say someone like me, you should do a combo of growling and whispering "yeeeeaaah" under your breath as she passes.

Then, when the girl start hauling a$$ cause of the sunglasses and growling combo you should, at the same time the girl is looking back to make sure you haven't turned around to start following her, you should abruptly do a U-turn and start following her.

This will then make the girl run as fast as she can down the brightly lit trail past busy restaurants like a frickin' Olympic champion.

Dear Sir,
I hate you.
xo,
Prizzy

The Way To Get A Husband

2010-04-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

By: My Father

The following is a snippet of a conversation with my pops last week. take notes, single ladies, i'ms about to land you's a husband! a RICH one, too.

Dad: so, uh, you been on any hot dates lately?
Me: um.

excuse me?
D: have...you know...well, been on any, uh, hot dates? are there any men in your life?
M: uh. well. yes, there are men and there are dates. i mean, i don't know about "hot", Dad, but...
D: are you trying?
M: (laughing at this point) um, i AM trying, i'm just not sure where i'm supposed to find these men you want me to have all these "hot dates" with. why? do you have any suggestions?
D: yes. i do, in fact. The Petroleum Club. the men in there are rich, too.
M: oh reaaaally?

go on...
D: what you do is learn a little bit about the oil industry and then you go hang out at the Petroleum Club. you hang out a little bit, maybe have a cocktail and then get to know these men. these RICH men. once talking to these guys, you're sure to wow them with all of your knowledge of the oil industry and then they'll start by asking you to lunch...but DON'T agree to go to lunch with them. what you do is tell them that you ALREADY have lunch plans with SOMEONE else...BUT...are you ready for this? here's the clencher...you would break those plans...are you ready? JUST. FOR. THEM.
M: wow, Dad...i...um...i'm sure i'll give it a try.

BOOM. MARRIED.

(psych! i'm not married, kids. you silly thing, you totally fell for it, didn't you? pscht. that's silly. YOU'RE silly.
ha! married...(shaking head)...*sigh*)

solitary confinement.

2010-04-04T21:28:00.001-07:00

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

so, i know, i know.

i totally know.

its been a loooooooooong time, inmates. and...i miss you. i reaaaally really do.

i have so much to tell you, friends!

are you still out there?

i don't blame you if you're not. i've been The Hole for a long time now, but am about to be released.

i can feel it.

much love and big fat sloppy kisses as only your cellmate can deliver,

(you know you missed them)

Priz

hey, remember that time?

2009-10-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

when i sat on my straightener and burned my backside?

member that?

ok. well. it hurts! AND it has made my left cheek almost completely out of commission, and i was really counting on that guy to get me through some serious TV watching tonight. i underestimated the viciousness of my straightener. i mean, it is a big ass burn, folks. pun intended.

ha! did you see that, Pun? in your face, i just owned you.

gives a whole new meaning to toasted buns, doesn't it?

OH! there it is again! i mean, i am on fire! or atleast, i was!!

Oh, shoot, its not even fair how hilarious i am.

*sigh* good times, good times.

Pun 1, Me 3
heh, heh

its in quiet moments of reflection...

2009-10-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

that i'll remember that i'm completely disgusting.

lunchy.

one inch by two inches.

2009-10-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

so, i sat on my straightener this morning.

gotta a lil' burn on the buns, friends.

athankyouverymuch

2009-10-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

I'd like to personally thank Christopher Columbus for blindly sailing to India to find salt and this is what he got instead.

C-man,

We share a love of salt and this great land, so thank you.

Love always,
me

What? You want more? Ok. Well, thanks to Ol' Chrissy I am leaving for the day, how's that? AND, I'm gonna go home and eat bon-bons and stare at my walls for a couple of hours. Is that enough? Maybe do my nails? No? Ok, well, at some point I'm gonna have to clean up the oatmeal that is all over my microwave cause I cooked it for mmmm? approximately 8 minutes longer than necessary this morning before I realized what was happening. And, my toilet could use a good scrub, but let's be honest, that's not happening today. The bon-bons, I mean. I don't even know what a bon is, let alone multiple bons.

You know what is happening today?

A second interview is what.

Dear me,
Buenos suerte!
Love always,
me

PS You're fly is undone.

Dear me,
WHAT? How emBARRASSING! But thanks for the luck, that's awful sweet of you.
Sincerely,
me

Dear me,
Yeah, of course, I mean, XYZ. Xamine Your Zipper, like, duh ok?
Whateve,
me

Dear me,
You're a real jerk, there's a nice way to say it, you know.
-m

Dear m,
You should have titled this post "You know you've lost it when..."
Weirdo,
me

step away from the purse, George.

2009-10-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

i went to see George last week and during my visit i busted him twice trying to steal from me. the first time he was acting all innocent like, "hey, this purse is cuuute, where did you get it?" And, i'm all, "my sister gave it to me, George, you knew that, we talked about this last time."

so, hours later i excuse myself to go to the bathroom, he and i were heavy into the scotch
(he prefers Dewar's when we debate politics, so being the good guest, i humor him)
and when i came back, this is what i found:

so, i'm all "GEORGE." (staring at him)

"care to explain yourself this time? i mean, my GYM bag?"

so, he claims he was looking for cigarettes, which is completely preposterous since he knows i don't smoke and i know he only smokes Swisher Sweets and only when he drinks lemonade wine spritzers cause it enhances the flavor of the lemons, right? right. so, calmly i recap this information and ask him again what he was doing in there.

he doesn't say a word for a good minute and we just stare at each other, sizing the other one up. i know he's lying and he knows i know, you know?

you know what he did next?

he slowly climbs down from his perch, still not saying a word, still glaring at me. instead of owning up to being a stinking thief that we all know he is, he marches right over to Otis, who was nothing but cordial all night and actually kept the conversation light with his knock-knock jokes. So, he goes up to Otis while staring at me and slaps him in the face exclaiming, "you know i hate knock-knock jokes, Otis. i'm only doing this cause i love you."

i left after that. three days later i can't find my watch.

i mean, the guy should be in jail.

lunch.

2009-10-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

Southern Fried Tuna Steak and mac n cheese.

Oh hell yes!

We went to celebrate New's marriage and birthday all rolled into one. And, in true Eeorye style, New had picked a place and then Eeorye changed it to suit what he wanted. Oooook. Good start.

Oh, and you want to know about conversation? Riiiight. Nobody likes each other and no one has anything to positive to say. At one point we are all staring at various blank spots about 5 feet in front feigning deep thoughts.

Wait. Are you trying to claim that its possible that Tits had deep thoughts and maybe i'm being too harsh?

Tsk. Awwww. You're pretty.

don't tell me you've never done this before.

2009-10-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

cause i won't believe you.

so, last night at 1 am you would have found me dancing by myself by candle light in my apartment wearing my spanx skirt and nude tank top, drinking wine from a coffee cup and wearing my indian head dress from last year's halloween costume that i happened to find on a trip through the front closet earlier in the evening while singing "All I Want For Christmas is You" at the top of my lungs.

eat your heart out, boys.

*wink*

i am a keeper.

one week.

2009-10-07T08:46:00.001-07:00

i've decided to quit in one week.

or on the 15th or whatever. i don't know what i'll do or where i'll go, but i don't care.

Pavarotti

2009-10-06T10:51:00.001-07:00

Did i tell you that since the new year, Pavarotti has decided to stop being my friend? She went from work BFFs buying awkward Christmas presents for me and New to straight up ignoring me/us. I mean, it was us - but now its just me for whatever reason.

At first I thought it was random and it really hurt my feelings, but now I find quite comical*. Mainly because now she won't even look me in the eyes and she only acknowledges my presence when the Triplets are around and she has someone that she needs to impress.

And, I'm not special. She ignores/is rude to any female that is a threat to her relationship with the Triplets. Cougs, Self Righteous and I have decided that she has a Single White Female crush on two of the triplets and their wives/families. Its actually extremely interesting to watch. Um, really spooky, but interesting.

I would not be suprised if she goes all "Misery" on the guys and she is the wild-eyed crazy on the news who is staring down the helicopters while holding them hostage. Only her weapon of choice would be cake.

That psycho loooooves her some cake.

*Up top, Titsy!
No Tits, NO! NO. I said up-top, not top-up.
Sheesh.

Pat, pat.

2009-10-06T10:32:00.001-07:00

i just got back from our opening ceremony.

to be completely honest, all it ever really is is another reason for the big wigs to get together and tell each other how amazing they are, use words like "culmination" and "fruition", pat each other on the back and "isn't this the best thing that has every happened to this city, country, continent, UNIVERSE???"

(shrug.)

i mean, sure its nice. but the last time i checked we weren't saving lives or even sick puppies. we're not even pooling our money to save one of children. tsk, tsk. Sally would be so disappointed.

oh wait! i did notice that our marketing lady had new veneers, so, um, that's good.

i totally want to be this couple.

2009-10-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

i went to the Charlotte Ronson show in NYC a couple of weeks back and absolutely fell in love with this couple. they had their own vibe going on and were just insanely cool. my favorite was him, of course. rocking that beard and hair.

rawr!

but the best was every time a new model or look walked down the runway he seemed to take it all in with a slow head-to-toe-to-head glance as the girls would walk by. most of the time he would sit in the same position as you see above with no emotion on his face, but every so often on an outfit he really liked, they model would get a slow nod of approval. i don't know why, but these two were fascinating to watch.

and i have no idea who they are, but from where they landed in the seating at the show, i'm assuming they're socialites of some sort. it doesn't really matter. what matters is how can i become them?

i guess i could start by growing my beard again.

cake.

2009-10-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

if we weren't going to have cake in an hour, i'd be so outta here.

fat kid gets, what fat kid wants. and mama wants cakey.

oh craig, you sly devil...

2009-09-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

so, i'm sitting in the model home where us sales people have come to lurk since our internet is completely gone at the office.

babyface has turned on the t.v. to SMOOTHJazz for a little background music, i'm not much for tacky elevator jazz, but what choice do i have?

both sales guys leave for lunch...

But, hark! What joyous golden songbird has swooped down from the pearly gates themselves to tease me with music from Heaven above?

i stop typing and look up...
and for a moment, time is frozen.
my breathing stops.
we lock eyes.

we lock mustaches.

me and craig.

pure sax.

oh craig!

i get you!
do you feel that?

our moment was brief! but real.

real jazzy.

i look forward to the next interlude. until then, sax on...

epiphany.

2009-09-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

It struck me as I was walking out the door last night.

A co-worker made a joke that I'm the guy from Office Space who keeps showing up to work even though I'm not getting a paycheck.

The saddest part is that I don't even have a stapler that I like. Noooo, nooo, that's not the sad part. The sad part is that it's true.
YOUR MOM IS TRUE.

(what? I couldn't go out on a sad note)

someone farted.

2009-09-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

and that means i'm out of here.

someone's insides are seriously pissed. no pun intended. unless, of course, the pun was MEANT to be intentional and then that changes everything. maybe the pun managed to manifest in the form of a foul stench courtesy of one my cubemates and its sole intent was to make me seriously rethink my lunch decision today and every day after..?

well, then, if that's the case, then the pun has certainly made it's point.

you are a worthy opponent, pun, but now i'm keen to your wily ways...

oh, you're damn right i'm keeping score, too.

pun 1, me 0.

for now...

(scary music plays)

Born with it? Ha!

2009-09-23T14:34:00.001-07:00

Look, I don't know who this Mabelline person is, but I would like to thank her for creating the perfect red lipstick color.

I am not a lipstick wearer, or a color wearer - by genetics alone I am a lip nudist (I have no idea what that means, but go with it). On a recent trip to New York I decided to start wearing color again, and not just any color...red, baby!

RED.

Hooker-heels-slow-motion-lick-your-lips-red. Black-lace-bra-under-a-thin-white-tshirt-red. I-want-my-money-red.

You know the one.

So, here it is. The perfect red. Some search their whole lives for it, but not you, friend. I did all the work for you. Because I love you.

And for that? You owe me. Like, SO big. Like, I don't even know what you owe me yet? But it's a LOT. And by a lot I mean, maybe your first born? (*cough*Trent*cough*)

I'm just saying.

You owe me, Molly*.

BIG.

No, I take that back.

You owe me HUGE.

Like, how the Pope owes hat designers big. Like, how the mountains owe the canyons cause they look that much bigger, big. Like, how nerds owe Star Wars cause it gave them validation, big. You understand what I'm saying here?

HEY! Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Freaking A.

No respect. Unbelieveable.

Oh, well then. Here's the lipstick, as if you even deserve it. Psccht. Maybelline. Red Revival, yeah, yeah. You're welcome.

(Ptooey!) You make me sick. And a little hungry. Wanna grab a snack? No? Just a coffee? I mean, yeah, I could go for a coffee...you decide. Whatever. I could do either. Seriously.

*And anyone who's NOT Molly. You know who you are. Posers. Sick 'em, Molly!

Seriously?

2009-09-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

You're telling me that I've managed to be in this hell hole long enough for Self Righteous to go through meathead boyfriend to new guy to husband, actually get knocked up, have the baby and actually return from maternity leave?

Oh, HELLO, Rock Bottom!

HI!!!!!!!

I've, like, toooootally missed you! You know, you're not as bad as everyone says...is it weird that I'm almost comfortable with you? I feel so close to you...

Call me, k?

$ex Panther earrings.

2009-08-25T12:58:00.000-07:00

65% of the time...they work every time.

PS i try to keep this site "cuss free" so Hambone can read it at work.
If I ever get flagged and she can't read it ahora miso, I'll never forgive myself.

Out with the New.

2009-08-14T09:23:00.001-07:00

So late yesterday the New Girl (she's been here for two years, but who's counting) runs into my office (cubicle) with wide eyes and pointing to a red-penned note with the word "SH I T." written across it and motioning for me to come downstairs.

Apparently the night before she had printed her resume on the community printer after everyone had gone home and got side-tracked so she never picked it out of the tray.

She had completely forgotten about it until Tits Magee (her superior) placed her resume and college transcripts into her mail slot this afternoon.

Ol' Titsy hung on to them all day waiting for the perfect moment to strike and now New is freaking out (rightfully so).

Lesson of the day?

Tits always knows.

ol' rhett butlah.

2009-08-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

while chatting with a friend:

"a semi cute guy just walked into my office and i pinched my cheeks like scarlett o'hara."

classic.

You know what, George...

2009-08-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

I'm getting REAAAAL sick of your shenanigans.

I went to a Stella & Dot jewelry party the other night which is basically a really fun excuse to get all your girlfriends together and drink wine and shop for sparkly things.

Right? Right.

Well, most of their stuff is under $50 bucks but occassionally you see a higher priced item.

So, I've had my eye on this one necklace FOREVER and have been saving my pennies so I can buy it and be soooooo super cute this Fall, ok?

Well, I show up to the party and who do I see PRANCING around and SHOWING OFF his new "faaaabulous bauble" and "isn't it to die for??!!" and "this piece found him, not the other way around, and then they just fell madly in love with each other, and isn't love GRAND??!!!!"

Yup. George.

Give me a break, George. "Just fell in love with each other???"

Barf.

You KNEW I had been saving so diligently for the Garden Party necklace and now its tainted and now everyone we know will know that YOU had the necklace first and I'll have to go around town with people whispering behind my back that, "isn't that GEORGE'S necklace???"

You jerk.

The worst part about it is that those fall colors look really great with his skin tone. Plus, look how it brings out the amber hues in his eyes.

I really hate it when he's right.

www.stelladot.com/sites/jenniferjune if you're curious.

Mark Wanka Darcy.

2009-08-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

I went to the lake a weekend or so ago and one of our fabulous hosts prepared a most delicious meal.

We had steak, mashed potatoes and a yummy salad with tomatoes, mushrooms, avocado, the whole works.

He was trying to be adventurous with a blue cheese mushroom sauce for the steak and this is what the result was.

We had a wonderful meal of blue soup, marmalade and congealed green gunge pictured above.

Mmmmmm! Thanks Adam!

Text blessed.

2009-08-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

These two texts came from two different people last night and as you can see, in two VERY different worlds.

Friend 1)
Can we talk tomorrow? I'm getting a crash course in characteristic curves of light.

Uh, crash course in what? Nerd alert.

Friend 2)
Shane as$hole! Hate him only peeps here and tried to dance obn booth wuld not let me.

Followed by:
Urh summertime by fresh
pronce...really???

Is that even English???? Remind me to check on her hangover today.

That's it. For some reason those stark differences struck me as really funny last night. Booze hound or dork, I don't discriminate.

Unless you're short. And then, forget it. Deals OFF.

if i were on television.

2009-07-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

i'd probably look like this:

guess which one is me?

a bedtime story.

2009-07-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there were two college girls who went to a soon-to-be-famous singer's concert. After the concert, the singer made his way through the crowd, answering questions and meeting adoring fans.

The two girls summoned all their scholarly courage and bravely walked up to the singer and asked the question the whole crowd wanted to know...

"Hi, John. We want to know...do you eat?"
John replied with a snark, "Although my Body is a Wonderland of seemingly fraility...contrary to popular belief I do engage in body supplantation of nutrients and other life forms." (Or something equally as witty, I'm sure.)

The clever girls giggled in response for surely John did not understand this universal question,

"No, no. We want to know if you eat lunch? And, if so, if you'll eat lunch with us?"

John was quick to see the error in communication and let out a chuckle, "Oh, you witty things! I would love to, but seeing how I must be in a different city tomorrow, it tis not possible! Pish, posh, you are wise beyond your years and the world is your oyster, a stitch in time saves nine, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, cliches!"

And so the story ended.

Or so it seemed...

Until today.

I'm watching the Michael Jackson funeral/tribute thing on televsion when lo' and behold my John walks on stage. Yes, it is I, one of the witty co-eds of yesteryear. I immediately text my friend in Chicago, a fellow John-lover and someone who happens to be a radio talk show host.

me "John looks hot."
her "U couldve asked him to lunch"
me "SHOT. DOWN."
her "I'm so envious of u. Thts so effn awesome. u rule in my book. U RULE. I'm gonna remind him about it if i ever interview him. Tell him he missed out an ORIGINAL. and i'm gonna call u and put u on the air. U will have your redemption. If it kills me. U WILL. its on. mission possible!"
me "That was beauty, my friend. And made me spill queso in my hair. Dang. I just took cheesehead to a new level. Take THAT, JOHN!"

I soon returned to my office and this e-card was waiting for me...beckoning me to open it.

It was titled: A Cry for Help.

As if those stinging words weren't enough!!! She also included a cryptic message, a message that would soon rip my heart into shreads, it read:

"Youre eating queso without me?? B*TCH."

Ne'er truer words e'er been spoken.

Ne'er truer words.

-THE END-

...for now...!!!!

(scary music plays)

Its official.

2009-06-30T12:35:00.001-07:00

Everyone prefers Sweet N' Low.

Letter From My Attorney.

2009-05-20T13:37:00.001-07:00

I mean it.

kisses,

K.J.

Coward.

2009-05-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

Freakhog* chicken.

This convo just went down between Tits Magee and our Project Director.

Tits "And so there are all these beaners, are in the back of the truck..."
P.D. "Titsy Tits. WHOA. That's not politically correct."
Tits "Yeah, well..."
P.D. "(nervous laugh) Uuuuh...uh...I better leave before Tits rubs off on me. Heh, heh."

Chicken.

How can we be in a work environment and SHE GET AWAY WITH THAT?????!!!!!! You cannot use a racial slur and have the boss's boss's boss just WALK AWAY.

Seriously.

How????

I'll tell you how. Two words, both very powerful:

Nipple. Shadows.

*up top, bookclub!!

Free Advice.

2009-05-18T09:00:00.001-07:00

I can't...I don't...I...it's just...um...

genius.

pure. genius.

Bobby Tonight.

2009-04-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

One of my brother-in-law's best friends has an alter ego when he goes out and calls himself "Bobby Tonight."

This picture is from the inside of Bobby's custom-made jacket.

Nuff said.

The Club!

2009-03-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

This is one of my neighbor's trucks.

Hi, neighbor?

Really? The Club!????

( . ) ( . )

____

No, you are right. Absolutely, 100% right. You never know when someone is going to need a two-seater 1974 little white beat up truck with homemade dog kennel in the back.

The best part is that he doesn't put The Club! on every time...it's maybe once or twice a week. You know, only on "steal my POS mini-truck" days.

I will say that The Club! must work.

That beast sits pretty in the drive day in, and day out.

one small step for prisoner...

2009-01-06T09:27:00.000-08:00

One gigantic leap for my website!!!

Thank you Pay Pal!!!

"You've Successfully Upgraded to a Business Account!"

Tax ID

2009-01-02T12:09:00.000-08:00

Sole proprietorship, b*tches!

uh! double up, uh - UH!

i am officially official.

today's tasks.

2008-12-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

send one email.
print and send the very same information in a package.

it's 2:55 pm and i can't seem to get started.

why?

WHY????

busted.

2008-12-15T10:58:00.001-08:00

i totally just got busted jacking around online by everyday ike.

he did the sneak attack on me at my cube and was like "what are you doing?"

and i'm all "me? oh, this? oh, yeah, no. this is for a customer. ohmygosh is that my phone ringing? no? sooooooo. how are the kiiiiiids? (slowly closing my laptop) oh, yeah, i know, teenagers are super hard. (uncorking the secret gas tank i keep under my desk) hmmm? yeah, Christmas can be rough. (glug, glug) so, what was i doing? when? right now? i was talking to you. oh, that? on what? my computer? that must have been SPAM. i know, its OUT of control. can't we get the computer guy to check out why our SPAM filter isn't working properly? huh? what smell? (striking a match) no, i don't smell anything. something is burning? weird. oh my gosh! my computer is on fire?! how could this happen?!!! must be all that work i'm doing is burning the thing up. (nervous laugh) noooooo, so really...any plans for new years? have you lost weight?"

(slowly backing away.)

Awesome Office Quote.

2008-12-10T13:42:00.000-08:00

from a friend.

"Have yall ever shamelessly scratched your crotch for something like 45 seconds under your desk not knowing that someone was standing over you?

Yeah. me neither."

this ever happen to you?

2008-11-19T09:32:00.001-08:00

you ever walk into your apartment after a long and tiring day at work and realize your apartment smells really really bad, so you try to find the source and your horrified nose takes you not only to your trash can where you end up having to scrub the very bottom where your arm barely reaches because of whatever leaky funk that was in there for a week? maybe two? and after you're done there your nose is still highly offended but leads you to the sink where rancid dishwater and a stack full of crusty food lies waiting for you? baiting you to gag and run for the door everytime you peel back the milky film-covered water in a molding pot or pan?

that ever happen to you?

yeeah. me neither.

didn't you know?

2008-11-17T10:06:00.000-08:00

i am better than you.

dude. of COURSE i'm better than you.

and do you know why????

because i "recycle". uh huh. its true.

i know. i practically started the entire "recycle" phenomenon. it'll be a while before it really starts to take off, but i'm a trend setter guys. i just am.

starting today instead of drinking from plastic water bottles on a daily basis and then throwing them away i am going to refill my glass with tap water.

just like they did in the olden days of Christopher Columbus. that guy loved his tap water.

P.S.

2008-11-14T14:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Eeorye.

you suck.

you are working ONE weekend day this month. ONE.

i really really really really really really really really really really really don't like you.

like, at all.

so, suck it.

sometimes?

2008-11-14T14:07:00.000-08:00

i annoy the ever-loving crap out of myself.

i just volunteered to work Sunday.

WTF?

who DOES that?

moron.

dinner.

2008-11-14T12:43:00.000-08:00

the way to tit's heart...

2008-11-13T10:41:00.000-08:00

is through her wienie.

homegirl loooooves her some wienie dogs. and i have to admit it, the way she gushes on and on about them makes her slightly more human-like. don't laugh. i said human-LIKE.

its almost heart-warming. oooook, ok...its almost heart-thawing? there. that's better.

but, come ooooon. who's kidding who? that dog is so cute it could win over the Satan AND Hillary Clinton if it had to.

wait a second...

dudes.

2008-11-12T13:52:00.001-08:00

dudes.

dude.

dudes.

dude.

dude.

i am kinda close to a sale.

i'm just sayin'.

someone throw some prayers up for this one.

preesh.

dude.

russ-ted.

2008-11-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

or busted. by Russ CM. you know...russ-ted.

he may or may not know about this blog, so he may or may not have found it yet and if so he may or may not be reading it now.

if so, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii russ.

sh*t.

double sh*t.

first commission, b*tches.

2008-11-06T13:43:00.001-08:00

noooooooooooo. not for my job that i'm hired to do...

buuuuut, for a painting! yahoooo!

you know the couple that wanted the painting from the park? well, i didn't charge them for the painting and just today i got a big fat check of $100 smackers in the mail from them!

so nice!

i'm rich!

today's light topic at work:

2008-11-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

racism.

babyface's baby.

2008-11-05T13:17:00.000-08:00

it's a boy!

(they think)

i don't think i have ever seen babyface grin as big as he did today when he announced that its a boy. he was just so dang cute about it.

sidenote: we are talking about the baby and are cheering that it's a boy. and, without really thinking it through, i hold my two hands up with about 5 inches in between and go "how big is it now? about five inches?"

his eyes get real wide. "uh..."
me, realizing what i said... "THE BABY! i mean the baby! how big is the WHOLE thing?"

he took it as me talking about...well...you know.

we laughed forever over that one. atleast, until i told him that my sister's was 12-inches.

(.) (.)
____

my day.

2008-11-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

topics that have been covered in depth today with Russ and Babyface at work:

abortion
religion
souls
vegetarians
God
aliens
initial attraction
politics
socialism
Hitler
good and evil
fables
Mars
brunettes vs. blondes vs. redheads
racism
"planets down the street"
cloning
battle for your soul
evolution
economy
trickle down theory
tax brackets
lava burning out
eventual extinction
partial-birth abortion
Satan
world flood
WE are God creating other planets
dinosaurs
the Bible
Buddism
monotheism
paganism
sonagrams

i'm just grazing the issues here. GRAZING.

vote rant.

2008-11-04T09:24:00.001-08:00

this is greatness. from a friend.

"But I decided that the people asking YESTERDAY or LAST WEEK if I had voted yet were killing me & were acting ridiculous (especially in TX, where you have to be registered to vote weeks in advance). Same for people who shame other people about not being registered. Stuff happens. Should you get your stuff together & register to vote? Definitely. But should you freak out just because people are suddenly interested in this particular election? What about the last presidential election? Did they vote then? Why are they suddenly so concerned now that the world is watching? They should have been concerned 4 years ago. Don’t patronize me. Your sweater is lame, and you have an 80’s hairdo. I’ll judge you for being fat. How about that? Should you exercise more? Definitely. Should you pass on the burger & mix in a salad every now & then? For sure. So there you go."

Carbon footprint

2008-11-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

Electric bill: $26.38
Gas bill: $5.33

i'm practically a fart.

More G than Ride

2008-11-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

This past week the driver's side door of my car has suddenly decided not to open from the outside. Not with the remote unlock thingy nor with the plain ol' key. I peeked inside the door yesterday and there was this spring just sitting there. So, of course i took it out. Like that spring actually does anything, right? Pssscht. Everyone knows that car makers love throwing in "miscellaneous springs" just to throw you off. It's common knowledge.

Welp, I think I might have been wrong on this particular spring cause now the only way the door will open is from the inside.

I know what you're thinking: i'm screwed.

But you're wrong. believe it or not i still have some options: i can leave my car unlocked at all times (super safe) or the window down and reach in and unlock it that way (even safer). Or i can crawl across the entire passenger door to get there. the problem there is that my legs tend to get in the way and i get all tangled and sh*t and end up with my face pressed against the driver's side window and i can't feel my left arm.

I've found that the easiest way to get there is to unlock the backseat door with a second click of my door lock remote thing and then step up behind the driver's seat to grab the handle of the driver's side door releasing it and then crawling back out the backseat and go into the driver's side door after that.

i end up flashing a lot more people than normal, but i figure it's worth it.

me and my panties love my ghetto ride.

october bake-off.

2008-10-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

i'm third from the left.

close-up.

i totally lost. that ghost town rocked.

tits & babies.

2008-10-28T13:32:00.001-07:00

oil & water.

some things should never be in the same room together.

today one of the Triplets brought his twins to work for their first showing. it is so fun to see tits sit in the corner and glare at the babies with a huge grimace on her face like they are going to attack her with their sweet sleepiness and innocent hearts. like a vampire to light. she just moved awkwardly around the room for 15 minutes and only after the mother of the babies complimented her hair did she say the babies were cute.

that's how tits operates. gets a compliment, gives one. gets, gives. gets, gives. but her first. always.

dropping like flies...

2008-10-27T14:11:00.001-07:00

New Girl just went home cause poor thing has horrible allergies.

Her poor little nose is all red and she can't stop sneezing. Legit? TOTALLY. In fact, one of the College Triplets* sent her a blank email with only this in it.

Now what has happened? i've heard Babyface, Eeorye and now Tits all say they don't feel good.

which may be true. totally may be true, i'm not the only one who can get sick. i just think its funny how after i described my ordeal to them almost all of them were like 'oooh, my throat hurts'.

sure it does.

*College Triplets: after much consideration i've decided that is the name for the three boys i work with who all went to college together and who are like brothers with their silly ways and awesome bullsh it.

eavesdropping.

2008-10-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

Babyface is talking to his best friend, Pretty Boy, and their wives are both expecting babies. I guess Pretty Boy and his wife just did the 3-D sonogram to look at their new little girl.

Babyface "well, does she have a cute little face? Uh huh. Right. I know, I'd be relieved. I'm super afraid of our baby being a cyclopse, too."

aaaaaaaaahahhahahaha

PS if that creature looks tired its because he just lost to liquid vi codin. UH!

Man's Strep Throat Leads to Amputation

2008-10-27T10:29:00.001-07:00

DAD WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ColdandFluNews/story?id=6108398&page=1

ho-ly...

technology is your friend. literally.

2008-10-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

an email from a friend:

i just looked at my power point presentation (i'm about to make a major proposal at work that will boost my job a few levels and add 2 new managers under me). and i just made a pie chart, because hey everyone likes charts and everyone likes pie, so i'm putting one in.so, i'm looking at my powerpoint pie chart and I make eye contact with the paperclip. he gives me this look and then slyly looks at my presentation.and I physically nodded my head at him with a smirk like "yeah. i know. it looks gooooooood."man, it made me laugh out loud! now, i'm talking to the Microsoft help icon!!!! it was a natural conversation between man and computer.

What are you wearing?

2008-10-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

Today i look like a blueberry.

Blue pants.
Blue sweater.
Blue attitude.
Blue cheese.

Blue...bell? done.

beat down.

2008-10-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

i have to renew my license, so that means i have to take a 30-hour course. and since i waited so long now i have to do it in 5 days.

poor me.

poor poor pitiful me.

but really. this is not fun.

another birthday...

2008-10-14T13:45:00.000-07:00

another time for us to hear from Self Righteous on how "she can't eat the cake, but she just wants to smell the sugar and is it good? i can smell it from here. i can't eat cake cause i'm doing Atkins diet. i've been doing Atkins for a year."

ok, LOOK, self righteous. if you have been DOING it for a year then we have heard ABOUT it for a f&cking year. every. damn. time you remotely come across a grain of sugar or a single carb WE have to hear about it.

so why do you do like everyone else and shut the hell up already?

we get it. you want to lose weight. got it. you are on a diet. check. you're chubby. it's noted. you're special. i. got. it. we ALL get it.

now please shut your trap and pass me my red velvet cupcake.

don't forget to add the extra packet of sugar on top paired with a real coke, please. bread basket.

thanks.

middle school.

2008-10-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

my friend who teaches middle school just had an abstinence rally at her school and then they did a little bit of s e x education for the kids. apparently, this is the correct order of how you do it, in case you may have missed a step along the way. if middle schoolers can follow directions, so can we.

talking
holding hands
a kiss and hug
a passionate kiss
touching under clothes
taking off clothes
intercourse

also, in case you were wondering, yes, you are a sl ut.

never complain.

2008-10-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

i whined to the boys i work with (imagine that) that i wanted a bright and shiney nametag for my cubicle like they had on their fancy offices with doors.

this is what i got.

it is by far my favorite thing in my cube!

open letter to Self Righteous.

2008-10-03T13:27:00.001-07:00

dear S.R.,

hey you! how ARE you?

hey, hey, remember that time? remember? it was at lunch today? yeah, then. when you saw the gift i gave New Girl for her birthday? you know, the super fun blinky ice cubes? and remember how you didn't have one for your drink and in your self-righteous, bitter and defensive way of feeling stupid and left out of the gwoupy-woupy you did something just SOOOOO charming like you always do? you don't remember?

well, instead of laughing at them like everyone else did...hahaha, it was so funny what you did...you light-hearted little champ, you...do you remember? instead you called them "obnoxious" and shoved your nose in the air like you were better than us just so you felt better about yourself and your joyless existence?

remember that? hahaha, remember? and, OH YEAH, oh my gosh, i almost forgtot! how could i forget?

you have no soul.

xoxo,
me

4: 36pm - environmental meeting.

2008-10-02T14:36:00.001-07:00

(wine on a patio.)

tits gift?

2008-10-02T10:39:00.000-07:00

so, titsy tits is a product junky and yesterday we were talking about different hair products for 30 minutes (for it is never a short convo when tits is involved). i walked into the office this morning and there is a the nicest thing on my desk - one of the products we were discussing the day before - as a gift!

who'd have thought i'd have tits to thank for my shiney locks!

thank. you. tits!

purse contents.

2008-10-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

all perfectly normal items.

goldilocks.

2008-10-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

i dropped off a couple of balloons at the office last night at 8:45 for the girl that always gives balloons to everyone else for their birthday. i scared the bejeezus out of the cleaning guy.

anywho, my point is that there is a work birthday lunch in 15 minutes. and Lunch Strategy must be set into motion veeeery carefully. what you want to do is go to the bathroom five minutes before everyone leaves for lunch so you can arrive slightly later than everyone else...but not in the very last car...unless there are more than three people in that car. that way you are assured atleast a one-person cushion between Self-Righteous or Tits Magee.

should Lunch Strategy fail, there are two things that could happen:
too early and Self-Righteous or Tits might snuggle up next to you.
too late and the only seat left is between the two.

you have to play it juuuuust right, goldilocks.

george.

2008-10-01T08:43:00.001-07:00

george decided to wear a sunflower on his tshirt the other night that he grew in his organic garden to demonstrate world peace and love.

pffffffffft. freaking hippie liberal jacka$$.

go smoke some dope, you dope-smoker cat.

what a jerk.

a$$.

2008-09-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

in honor of eeorye being a huge hypocrite and even bigger a$$, i am leaving at 2:30 for the day.

remember when he gave me so much sh*t for wanting three weekends in a row off? two of which were for weddings of close friends? and remember how he said that when i became a sales person i forfeited any days off? and that i was basically chained to my desk? and remember how we got into a huge fight about it and he was baiting me to quit?

well, this is ATLEAST the third FULL week off he has taken THIS YEAR.

atleast.

ooooooooooo i am so fired up. jacka$$ motherf&cker.

jackpot.

2008-09-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

i was going for a jog yesterday and saw that somebody threw out mirrored closet doors just like mine. a couple of years ago i broke the mirror in one of my doors and so one day i knew i'd have to replace it or pay for it or whatever.

but, by the miracle of common dumpster thievery and good ol' fashioned ingenuity led me to a brand new mirrored closet door.

that slum lord ain't got nothin' on this girl.

hard. core.

2008-09-29T12:28:00.001-07:00

i had a cavity filled last week and my dr. didn't even use novicaine.

what's UP?!!!!!

HUH? you wanna fight THIS?????

i'm one bada$$ mother f&cker.

(head flinch)

alone.

2008-09-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

so, i'm completely solo in the office today.

tits went to "the dentist".
russ is meeting with a "customer".
about an hour ago, babyface spat out a mess of cuss words, threw his hands in the air and said "i quit".
and eeorye never came in today.

soooo.

that's awesome.

linda and rick.

2008-09-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

so this is what that painting ended up being. not that much different but i feel better about it. linda came and picked it up today - i didn't charge anything for it, because i'm an idiot, but she was so excited about it and has told me on more than one occasion that rick has told everyone about the painting, so that really made me smile.

real beer at work.

2008-09-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

4:53 pm: three grey linen walls and a cold Corona in my belly.

life is good.

a quote from lunch:

2008-09-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

"they love to chop off rhinoceros horns and grind them into powder for their small yangs."

you can't make this stuff up.

self-realization

2008-09-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

some may call is a sefzation.

and, apparently i'm shallow.

i just snubbed a perfectly good wool navy pencil skirt that i would wear a ton in the winter because it was at a "thrift store" when i would probably pay twice the amount ($7.99) for the same skirt if it were in a "vintage store".

total snob.

also, i may have B.O. today.

you know what i love?

2008-09-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

the fact that email is free and i don't have to pay monthly like i do with my cell phone or per email message like i do with my text messages.

that's all. i love that.

the end.

work wine.

2008-09-16T14:37:00.001-07:00

3:13pm bottle of wine with russ and b.face.
4: 42pm second bottle. (hopefully)

park painting.

2008-09-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

so, when i get a chance and the weather is as gorgeous as it is i like to go to the park and practice painting. yesterday i left work a bit early and had two hours of the most beautiful daylight left. there was a couple to my left enjoying a picnic who came over after an hour to see what i was painting.

anyway, this couple had just gotten engaged earlier in the evening on the cute little picnic blanket, and they want to buy my painting because it depicts where they got engaged!

my first painting commission! i'm so excited!

i really won't charge them, of course, it's just fun that they offered and that they aren't my family or friends, you know?

(but, to be honest, i could have been painting my big toe and they still would have wanted it because i was there when they got engaged.) also, the first painting is from Sunday afternoon and then last night i added a couple of things. anyway, i am trying to see if by adding things i am actually improving or am just making it cluttered.

the end.

september bake-off.

2008-09-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

this month it was chocolate cake.

i totally won.

(i'm no. 2. tee hee!)

fingers crossed!

2008-09-11T14:34:00.001-07:00

i might get a sale!

the note.

2008-09-10T13:47:00.001-07:00

i was returning from a weekend trip and had the most incredible experience.

while boarding the plane, i had a quick conversation with some fellow passengers. nothing too outstanding, just pleasantries between strangers.

since i was a rockstar this weekend, as soon as i sat down in my window seat, i immediatelyfell asleep. i mean, i was so tired i don't even remember take off. originally, i had big plans on my flight home to start reading a book, but exhaustion won that battle and i fell asleep with the book sitting on my lap. when i woke up, i found this note sandwiched between my hand and my book.

i was so confused and sleepy when i woke up, i just looked around for a couple of minutes in complete bewilderment. finally, i looked to my neighbor on my left, two seats over and finally asked what in the world the note was all about.

he explained that while i was asleep, this tall man in a pin-striped button down sauntered to my seat, leaned over him and the empty seat next to me and deftly slid the note between my hand and book, all the while not disturbing my slumber. he said the man didn't say a word in explanation but that his quick movements were quite impressive.

twenty minutes later, a tall man in a pin-striped button down came walking down the aisle, looking directly at me.

the exchange:

me: um...michael?

him: yes.

me: um...i...um...
him: pretty good, huh?

then he walked away claiming he had only come all the way from first class to stretch his legs. it was still extremely awkward at that point and so after a pep talk from my seat neighbor, i ended up walking to seat 6A and chatting with Michael. we stood in the middle of a moving airplane thousands of miles above earth and had the most interesting conversation.

he is 6'4", hilarious, charming, tall, dark and handsome and pretty much made my entire life by slipping the note under my hand. the best part is that he was so proud of himself for the note...that we just laughed and laughed about great it was. and i had to admit, it was a killer move on his part.

the part that was slightly confusing was how he knew my name. apparently in our short exchange while loading the plane, he read my full name off of my boarding pass.

at that point, he recited my first AND last name. even as creepy as that was, eventually i gave him my email.

i haven't heard from him yet, and even if he never emails - he still managed to put the biggest smile on my face and give me the greatest story to tell...

um, ever.